I've been a big fan of reading blogs for awhile now, but never attempted it myself. I guess I figured I didn't have anything to say that anyone else would care about. And maybe that's true. But, at the very least, this is a place I can get things out there. You know, the things that you don't necessarily want to actually say out loud to anyone. But things that need or should be said, nonetheless.
I am what most people would call..."moody". Other words I've heard my entire life are: quiet, shy, introvert, nice, sweet, cute. All of these words equal to one thing in my mind. BORING. And what's funny is that if any of these people (and trust me, I'm talking about people that are close to me) actually knew what was going on inside my mind those are NOT the words they'd be using to describe me. I'm crazy. Like, legit, diagnosed, cray-cray. Technically, it's called "mental illness". Specifically for me it's Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, with a side of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, thrown in for good measure. I hide it pretty well, though. And when I do that, which is most of the time, I get labeled as quiet. Because, let's face it, being crazy isn't exactly something one just wants to advertise to the world. I decided when 2014 kicked off that it was time to change some things. Stop pretending to be something I'm not. Stop looking at the world in black and white terms. Stop striving to achieve a standard of perfection that rationally I know is impossible. It's time to start living in the world as me. Crazy, irrational, put it all out there, living in color, ME. Sounds easy. Except it's not. It's scary as hell. When one of your biggest fears is other people's perceptions of you, letting down the walls and sharing yourself, your REAL self with the world, is hard. Huge. Massive. But, it's time. I'm 38 years old. Married, 2 kiddos, house, solid job, friends. And living a lie in so many ways. I don't want to spend another year trying to blow smoke at people and hope they see me as I'm trying to appear. I want this year to be the year that my friends and my family meet the real me. It's time to find out if the friends that I think I have can handle that person. If they can still love that person. If they can accept that person. Because she's arriving...and it'll be with a bang! And just knowing that I've chosen this direction has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Life is hard enough without adding the burdens of pretending to be something different than you really are. And it's time. It's time to live 2014 in all it's glorious color.
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July 2019
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