When we’ve reached the point of bacon yogurt and bacon ice-cream, it’s time to turn the bus around. Seriously. My Facebook timeline is a non-stop montage of posts about how to make your very own bacon wrapped cheesecake, glazed bacon candy, and bacon flavored popcorn. I even saw an ad for Power Bacon Deodorant!! Really?
I’m not overly fond of meat in general, so this kind of obsession with a pork product mystifies me. But, admittedly, I’m not a fan of having an over abundance of any one type of flavor or product rammed down my throat (pardon the pun). I get annoyed when I see something that is originally a novel idea taken to extremes. One year the State Fair introduced the fried Twinkie and by the next year we had everything from fried beer to fried butter. Gross. Anyway, I did some research on the wonder meat that is also known as bacon. And yuck. Just yuck! A few facts I found:
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Despite a brief hiccup a few weeks ago, where I was basically living in denial, this past week had me back in the happy zone that I’ve been blessed with recently. As usual, I don’t really understand why or how it’s happened, but the crazy neurotic me has been relegated to the sidelines. I don’t miss her.
I don’t know about you, but a lot of my time has seen me wishing for what others have, convinced that their life is happier and easier than my own. It’s always been one of my least favorite flaws, but also one of the harder ones to battle. Maybe I wouldn’t have this problem if I didn’t struggle with my mental health, but in actuality, I’d guess I probably would. I think to some extent, everyone deals with this. It’s hard to look at your life with objective eyes, and I know that for myself, my troubles seem outrageously large compared to most people. I have to really work hard to remind myself to take a step backwards and look at the bigger picture. When I do this, I realize that my issues are no more or less important than anyone else’s. It used to be a rare occasion that I was able to accomplish this level of comparison, but not really so much these days. A few weeks ago, I had knee surgery. Nothing big or scary. Just a scope for a torn meniscus. The surgery went fine, and my recovery has been routine (save one incident where I made a horrible miscalculation of the height of a retaining wall I was stepping off of). For about 6 days I was mostly in bed with my knee elevated and ice on the ready. Two different conversations happened during this time that I believe has forever changed me. In the immediate days following my surgery, H made it routine to come talk to me about an hour before it was her bedtime. We discussed school, hormones, friends, and boys. But one conversation took a much more serious tone than the others. It started with me voicing an observation I’d made about her being very nervous to say goodnight or goodbye to me. This had started about 6 months ago, where every day before I could leave for work, there’s an extended goodbye session involving multiple hugs, kisses, well wishes for the day and then more hugs. I decided to ask her point blank what had prompted this anxiety separation type behavior. She teared up and said that for some reason she’s terrified that my husband and I are going to someday not come back to her. I was dumbfounded. I asked her if there was some reason she was scared of this or if something had triggered her fear, but she shook her head. At that moment, there was only one message that I knew I had to get across to her. For the next hour we talked about life, God, and making the most of our time while we are here on Earth. I reassured her, of course, that J and I would always come back to her, but our conversation had an even more serious tone that that. I told her that life is too short to live in constant fear. And that when we are afraid, the most important and meaningful thing we can do is pray for God to help us through it. I don’t know how else to say this, but the words that I spoke to her that night felt as though they were given to me by our God for just this occasion. So often during this type of discussion, I struggle for words to adequately express what I’m trying to convey. But that night, I had no problem saying exactly what it was I wanted her to hear and understand. We were both crying as we talked about leaning on Him for courage and strength when we are at our weakest. I so desperately wanted her to know that He wants to help us and wants us to go to Him with every problem. And I think she understood. The next morning she smiled as she hugged me and whispered how much better she felt after she prayed that night to Him. She unloaded her mind and in return He lightened her heart. I was so uplifted by this, and I still am. The second conversation was with a friend who was willing to listen to MY fears and discuss some of the more detailed questions I have about what the Bible says regarding a few topics. I don’t want to detail this conversation here, but along the same vein as with H, I was hugely touched and uplifted during this talk. I felt a calmness settle over me that has stuck with me since. For many of the fears I’ve fought with in the past, I now feel a sense of peace. My faith has become even stronger, and it’s impacted my confidence, my ability to love, and my appreciation for the blessings I enjoy in this life. I have so many things to be thankful for, most importantly being my family, friends, and my God who love me unconditionally. Everything else fades in comparison. I’m not naïve enough to think I’m won’t ever have another bad day, or be overwhelmed with fear or panic about something again, because as last week proved, I will. But my capacity to bounce back and recognize the truth of the situation is greater than it’s ever been. And today, rather than wishing for something different, I’m happy right where I am. I spent a good amount of time this morning listening to music from my past. And oh, what a feeling it created inside. So many memories flooded over me. What's cool is that for every song I listened to, I had a distinct memory attached to it. Blondie had me singing and dancing along in the living room as an elementary aged kid. I held entire "concerts" to an empty room, lost in the happiness it brought to me. NKOTB had me thinking about sitting on the floor of the main hallway after school in 8th grade waiting for my ride home. Nine Inch Nails, Green Day, Tripping Daisy, The Offspring, Nirvana....oh, high school, how I miss thee. Shania Twain, Faith Hill, George Strait, Trace Adkins, Clay Walker - They got me through the first semi-horrible year of college...making my first 2 roommates bearable to live with. Britney Spears was a drive back to College Station from the football game in Lubbock my boyfriend (now hubby) and I went to. The Backstreet Boys...sigh....I can still sing along to every song they made. Then the switch to the later college years - 311, Beastie Boys, Cake, Tool, Creed, No Doubt, Barenaked Ladies. Blasting these artists as "now hubs" and I drove around College Station in his jeep with doors and top off and one very memorable concert that almost had me and a friend crushed in an impromptu mosh pit. I can still see the look of horror on the guys' faces we were with as they looked up at us on the hill from the area in front of the stage. Let me tell ya - I learned how to dodge flying trash barrels really quick. o.O
Music is an integral part of my happiness. I knew I had a special place in my heart for it when I would hide behind the bar in our living room with my Fischer Price tape player listening to tapes. I would sit for hours, eyes closed, daydreaming, and feeling each beat of the music while memorizing lyrics and singing along. Auditioning for choir in elementary school was a no brainer decision, and when it came time to choose an elective for middle and high school, my desire to play the music I loved so much led me to band. I thrived in that environment and over those 7 years honed my skills at the flute and piccolo. Not too long ago, I was driving through the small downtown near our new house and saw a music store and a studio advertising private lessons. I'm seriously considering signing up and getting back into my flute playing. My soul sings at that possibility. So, today has been a happy jaunt down memory lane. What really makes me smile is to see H just as intrigued with music as I am. She comes by it naturally, that's for sure. One day she'll be able to listen to a song and re-experience her past in ways that can cause tears of happiness, tears of regret, and smiles of pure joy. When I go out of this world, I hope with all my heart I'll have my music playing in the background. I don’t want to. That is basically the underlying theme of my mood these days. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to deal with work, I don’t want to do grocery shopping. You get the idea. The way I deal with this mood is to either deny or ignore everything. But, today, I reached a point where I can’t use this tactic any longer. I have decisions to make, but I.dont.want.to make them...even as the clock runs down on me. Knowing myself as well as I do, because I’ve waited until the last minute to deal with these issues, I’ll end up making a knee jerk decision which I’ll likely regret later.
I have another blog post started that I was working on up to yesterday evening. Then today happened and it pushed me right over the edge and completely out of the zone I was in while working on it. What really irritates me about this is that the past few weeks, up until this morning, I was a really mellow person. I feel cheated now because it’s like I had merely tucked away all my pent up frustrations, rather than getting rid of them for good like I had thought. Apparently, my subconscious is extremely stubborn. It refuses to let go and allow me to have some long-term measure of peace and Zen. At best, I can hope for a few weeks off here and there. I am super annoyed by this. Last night, as H and I were getting into the car to go shopping for a birthday gift, I asked her a question that has, unfortunately, become a habit. A very stubborn habit that is really hard to break. What came out of her mouth in response stopped me in my tracks. Here is a short transcript of the conversation: Me: “H, do I look fat to you?” H: “Mom, I really wish you wouldn’t keep asking that question. All you’re doing is bullying yourself. Stop.” Me: ***crickets chirping*** Yeah. So, out of the mouths of babes, right? She is so wise. She is so on it. In those few words, she completely stopped my train of thought and made me re-evaluate myself and the example I’ve been setting vs. the example I should be setting. As much as I want to beat myself up more about my failure in this area, I know I shouldn’t. And she wouldn’t want me to, either. What I need to do is just absorb the wisdom she imparted, resolve to do better, and march along. Sometimes, I just want to pop off and scream my exact thoughts at people. Like the cashier at Target yesterday. I got so angry on behalf of the customer in front of me that I nearly made a scene when it was my turn to checkout. She had the nerve – the AUDACITY – to be annoyed with the lady when she asked for the penny she was owed. Her reasoning, as she explained to the cashier, was that it was her grandson’s money (he was standing there with her) and it was to go in his piggy bank. First, second, and last of all…the customer should NEVER have to explain why they want all of the change that is due them. I don’t care if it’s just a penny. That is still the customer’s penny and it is money. Therefore, Mr./Mrs. Cashier or Waiter/Waitress, you should NEVER presume to think the customer doesn’t want their $.02 back. If you decide not to give me my $.02 back, and you’re a waiter? Well, there’s your tip. Have a great day. Grrrr. This entire subject gets me so angry. What I need to do is shut out the world, focus on calming and happy things, and start fresh tomorrow. Just forget about today and wipe out the memory of everyone who’s irritated me (yes Mr. Co-worker, I’m looking at YOU). Perhaps I’ll be able to recover my pre-Thursday Zen-like state. That is, if I can remain calm during the first of the last 5 episodes of my very favorite show of all time tonight….the show that’s losing the main character since Episode 1, Season 1 - the character who’s been the center of the entire theme of the show since its inception. I’m still really uber annoyed with that, too. One of the most important lessons I’m learning in life is when to voice my thoughts and opinions and when to just let something go. Or at least until it’s the appropriate time to say something. For the majority of my life I leaned towards the “shut up” side of things. I was very quiet. Now, that’s not to say my inner voice was quiet, because I certainly had opinions about nearly everything going on around me. I just never really said much. Not to the masses, anyway. It’s only been in the last 5 (?) years or so that I’ve begun to open my mouth and say what’s on my mind, audience be damned. So, you see, I’ve been on both sides of the coin, and what I’ve learned is there is a very fine line you must walk between the two if you want to be true to yourself and still not piss off the wrong people or give the wrong impression. I haven’t quite found that balance yet.
Truth be told, I’m happier saying what I think. Sometimes it’s super snarky, sometimes it’s kind of judgmental, sometimes it’s nice and calm and polite. But it’s always genuine. If I say it, I mean it. The problem is not everyone understands that, nor does it go over very well with people who can’t handle that. Personally, I think it’s refreshing to know exactly what someone thinks and where they stand. But, trust me, I’ve learned the hard way not everyone thinks like me. It’s annoying, really, to struggle with this. When I’m quiet I’m told I seem stand-offish. When I’m vocal, I’m a bitch. For the most part, I’ve made peace with being called whatever name people may slap on me. As the saying goes, “It’s not my business what other people think of me”. But, there are still aspects of everyone’s life that require them to stop and think about whether it’s a good idea to really speak up about something. Never have I struggled with this more than as a parent…when I’m setting an example…and as an employee, when I’m building a professional impression. Oh, how it’s hard to want to tell someone exactly how dumb they are, and knowing you just can’t. Or wanting to yell at someone about them being an utter asshat, and having to refrain because your kiddos are with you and watching to see how you deal with the situation. Moments like these can be so difficult for me because sometimes I don’t want to take the high road, dammit! The past few days I’ve been faced with several situations where I knew it was a “shut up” moment, but every ounce of my being was screaming “SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT”. So, I did a little of both, and was rewarded with a rare moment of feeling at peace with the balance I struck. I wasn’t struck down by lightning, didn’t seem to overtly piss anyone off, and still had the satisfaction of saying some of what I was thinking. I am giving the impression that all I think is awful and terrible things, and that’s not true at all. A lot of what I’m talking about is giving voice to an insecurity I’m having…or asking for an opinion about something when it might look “weak” to do so. Or trying to comfort someone in the way I believe is comforting when I know it’s not what they want/believe/need. Or pushing to get someone to talk and open up when they don’t want to. I’m getting better at knowing when to speak up or shut up, but there are days when it is most certainly harder than others to figure it out. Today happened to be a murky day on the topic, which is why I’m writing about it now. I wonder, sometimes, if everyone grapples with this as much as I do, or if I’m just making up for all the time that I spent not saying anything about anything. I guess the “why” of it doesn’t really matter in this particular issue. What matters is that I learn, and hopefully master, the art of knowing which battles are worth starting and which cans ‘o worms I need to leave unopened. |
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