I've had this post written in my head for weeks, but every time I sat down to put it on paper, something else would happen to stop me. A mixture of good and bad, highs and lows, have kept me on my toes. (Ha! Unintentional rhyme right there. I'm going to keep it there just because it amuses me.) But, now I have the time, and more importantly, the energy to write it all out.
I have huge, exciting news to share! I had two publishers respond to queries I sent out in early March, and both wanted to publish my book! I chose one to pursue negotiations with, and signed the contract on May 31st. I left my job last October with this exact goal in mind, and I'm thrilled to say I've achieved it. I honestly believe once you set your mind on something, you can accomplish it. It doesn't matter how far fetched it may seem. If you can dream it, you can do it. You just have to be motivated, believe in yourself, be willing to work your ass off, and most importantly, never give up. Even in your darkest moments of self-doubt, remind yourself why you want your dream. It's okay to allow yourself to set it aside for a few days, or even a couple of weeks, but don't let it go permanently. Rejuvenate your body and mind, and then go back to it. I'm living proof it can be done. And, guys, this was just my first step. I have so many goals and plans laid out for myself. The best part is, I know I'll do it. For the first time in my life, I have confidence in myself. I'm daring to dream bigger than ever before, and I'm super excited about the journey ahead. I attended a weeklong writer's conference…well, really it's an academy….and came away from it with new friends and a stronger outlook for the future. While there, I was incredibly honored to meet and have private discussions with two best-selling authors: Bethany Claire, a USA Today Bestselling Author, and Jodi Thomas, a New York Times Bestselling Author. The insight I gained from talking with them changed my life. And it wasn't just them! I met wonderful people in my class that each touched me in different ways, and I'm certain I can say that I'm a better person because of the entire experience. I came home with far more wisdom, tools, and information than I'd thought possible. But, as exciting as the past month has been, there have also been tears, sadness, and anger… which are the ultimate proof that depression is not something that can be controlled, or cured, by outside circumstances. My life on paper is near perfect. I'm loved, healthy, and pursuing my passion. Someone reading it, who knew nothing about me, would assume I'm the happiest person in the world. Yet, I've had days…recent days…where dragging myself out of bed is unthinkable. Forcing myself to go upstairs to my office, to do what I love the most, impossible. I was recently reminded of just how sneaky this illness can be. Someone in my life, someone with a bright future and so much to offer this world, nearly succeeded in committing suicide. I never suspected, never had even an inkling, that it was a possibility. Ironic, isn't it? I've been diagnosed, medically treated, hospitalized twice for my own attempts, and spent hours in therapy, yet I was still just as shocked as someone with no experience with this illness would be when I heard. It makes me so angry. My insides get twisted up in knots of pure rage and exhaustion when I think about how damn hard it is living with this - to be fine one day, and then wish for nothing more than death the next. I hurt for every person out there suffering. I hurt for myself. I pray for all of us. You've heard it a thousand times, but it's the truth. Life is short. Every day is a gamble, an unknown future of potential and possibility. I'm learning to live in the moment and #bepresent because that's the only thing guaranteed. Hug your loved ones, laugh when you can, and find the silver lining wherever possible. Look for your own yes, wherever and whatever that may be. And when you find it….be thankful and hang on tight.
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July 2019
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