This summer has been one of challenges and growth. I've deliberately not posted anything until now because I wanted some space from spewing my thoughts and feelings into words. That's a curious thing for a writer to say. But it was necessary for so many reasons.
As far as summers go, this one was the hardest I can remember. It's the first time I've ever been a stay- at-home mom, which I had forgotten meant I had the responsibility of providing entertainment and plans for the kiddos to occupy the hours. I'm afraid I didn't do the best job at that part, and I worry that somehow I've caused harm for not filling their days with back to back activities and distractions. But every time I think that way, I try to remind myself that it's actually good for them to occupy themselves at times. In one of my sessions, my therapist told me that giving kids room to fight their own boredom by themselves teaches them to be creative. It also teaches them how to be okay being alone. I know adults who panic at the thought of having to spend time by themselves…they must have their hours packed with activities, meetings, plans of all kinds, because they don't know how to be alone. I'm not advocating shutting out the world and living like a hermit, but I do believe it's good to be comfortable enough with yourself that being alone doesn't create anxiety. This was also a hard few months because my youngest had some physical problems that we needed to work through. She's okay, but it was a trying time. Luckily, we have a wonderful pediatrician that I trust implicitly, and she got us through it. But along with the physical struggles, some new emotional ones came along. I was not prepared for some of the absolute heart-wrenching conversations L and I had. So many tears were shed between us. And it's in these conversations that I began to suspect my youngest baby is more like me than I'd like to admit. Anxiety can be crippling. It robs you of your peace of mind, it rips your self-confidence to shreds, and it takes a terrible toll on the body. I've prayed over and over that she hears me when I teach her that when we are anxious, we should lay our burdens and fears on God's shoulders. I've tried to impart to her that when we learn to lean on God, to trust Him fully, inner peace is possible. It's something I still struggle with, even now. But I know it to be the truth, because I've glimpsed it and felt flashes of it myself. When I force myself to let go of the reins, to turn my worries over to Him, I've felt the peace that my soul craves. But it's something I have to learn to do every time. It's not automatic for me yet. There's a stubbornness inside me that holds onto the control like a toddler does with a piece of candy. It holds on tight. So I've been watching her and worrying. Praying constantly. If she is like me, I know the rough road ahead of her. It makes me cry and it makes me angry. Nothing will ever come easy for her. She'll learn to be a smartass to cover her insecurities. She'll put up walls and make people fight to really break through them. I don't want that for her. I want better. I want easier. She has a beautiful little soul, shining so brilliantly that it nearly blinds me. I don't want that brilliance to be shuttered, especially by her own mind. I will fight tooth and nail to help her learn early what it's taken me a lifetime (and still going) to figure out. Despite everything, we managed to end the summer with a wonderful vacation at Panama City Beach, FL. We made memories that I know all of us will carry in our hearts forever. It was essentially L's first time at a beach, since she has no memories of the time we visited Port Aransas, TX when she was two. And she fell in love. As it does with me, the ocean called her name. The long expanse of white sand beckoned to her to be searched for shells. We wrote our names and buried her in the sand. We watched tiny crabs at night as they ran across the sand in the gleam of our flashlights. We wondered about the sea turtle nest that had been blocked off so as not to be disturbed, and hoped aloud we'd get to see them hatch (we didn't, L). We twirled in the sand as the moon shone down on us, and we watched lightning on the horizon as a storm blew in. She felt the magic, every bit of it, and cried when it was time to say goodbye. I cried with her. I also cried when we got home from being gone 10 days and discovered Emmy the Terror had eaten the couch. Not just one cushion, not just two…but all three cushions. I suppose I should just be grateful it wasn't the floor this time. So, now, here we are. School has started. The rat race begun. Morning chaos consumes us as we race to get everything bought (why are teachers still adding things required for class?), and checks written for PTA, school spirit shirts, choir uniforms, gym clothes. Evening chaos also runs rampant as we attend parent meetings, complete homework (even parents had homework, WTF?!?), and settle into a routine again. My phone is now crowded with school apps to check for pictures, teacher updates, grades, upcoming events, and "don't forgets!" My favorite time of year is approaching. Cooler weather, football, fall scents. Pumpkin everything. Halloween candy is already in the stores and I've begun Christmas shopping. I'm absolutely determined to get it done by the first week in December. I say it every year, but this year will be the one I do it. Goals! Speaking of goals, my writing has picked up and I'm targeting the end of November for my next book to be complete. It's been a lot of fun to write and I'm excited to get it out there. I'm also working on book 2 of my House of Kesteel series, along with a couple of other projects. I'm glad I took a pause the last few months. It was much needed time to re-charge and re-focus. I feel prepared for the new school year and everything that comes along with it. Which means I'm probably not prepared at all. Ha!
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