There is nothing quite like the pride that comes with watching your children excel. I'm so stinkin' proud of how my girls are acclimating to their new schools and routines. L, my kindergartner, is coming home talking about vertices. Vertices!!! H, my fifth grader, is changing classes, dressing out in gym, doing algebra, and writing stories that make my heart sing. It's just incredible to watch these beings that I helped create growing into young ladies.
I knew the day would come when H didn't necessarily think I was the most awesome thing on the planet. That day arrived. Yesterday, while in the car driving home from school, I said something that caused her to look at me like an alien and ask, "Are you trying to be cool?". Dead silence. Um, no. No, I wasn't. I was just talking. But all of a sudden she's throwing around phrases that I suppose are the "cool" thing to say, disagreeing with every clothing choice I pick out, and generally going about growing up and away from me. She's starting to challenge me...intellectually, spiritually... always questioning and seeking answers far more complicated than I'm prepared for. It makes me smile, makes me sigh, and causes this overwhelming urge to point her out to everyone and say, "See her? She's my daughter. Out of all the things I may have done wrong in this world...I got this totally right." L is my little squidget...though, not so little anymore. Now that I sort of know what is coming in the next few years, I'm fighting the urge to scream at Father Time to slow down. Every milestone is bittersweet because I know it's the last "first". Each stage is whizzing by at lightning speed and every time I watch one go flying by, I see the next one right on its heels. She no longer needs help getting herself a drink, brushing her hair (for the most part), or opening the car door. She's nonchalant about the things she learns and demonstrates to us, and I'm convinced she's going to be a theater arts major. That girl is headed to Hollywood, I'm tellin' ya. I have been so blessed with these two. There are going to be frustrating and challenging times ahead, I know. I've caught glimpses of them and if I know these two younguns' as well as I know myself, I'm positive I'm right when I say there will be some epic battles. But the joy I feel when I think about them, look at them, hold them, overshadows any fears I have about the future. I found a phrase many years ago that perfectly describes my feelings: "Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body". True that.
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Remember the episode, Theme of Life, from Ally McBeal? Oh, Ally McBeal. What an awesome show. Side note: I've tried and tried to find the DVD set for the entire series at a reasonable price and haven't had any luck. The prices are ridiculous. What is with that? Anyway, in Theme of Life, Dr. Clark tells Ally she needs a theme song that she can play in her head to make her feel better when life is screwing with her. This is a fantastic piece of advice. I'll think about it and eventually pick one that seems perfect and then another song will come along that seems even more perfect and then another....you get the idea. The counselor spoke of everyone walking around with some kind of meter that represents their self worth. When we are hating on others, it's so we can validate ourselves by making the other person feel inferior, bad, less than. I realized I walk around letting myself be invalidated all day long. And that's on me. I'm choosing, whether it's consciously or subconsciously, to let myself feel like crap in response to others. I have to stop that. That self hate that I start throwing around internally? It's not right. It's usually a lie, and even if there is some truth to it, it's only some....not all. And, too, I'm not just the "victim" in this cycle. I dish plenty of invalidation at others, trying to make myself feel better. Not something one really wants to admit to oneself, or to the world, but that's the truth of it. It's human. We all do it, and it's up to each of us to decide how we're going to act and react to other people. I sorta hate that. It's much easier to point the finger at everybody else instead of back at myself. So, I'm sitting there listening to the therapist talk and I'm looking at the other people sitting around me and I think the recognition of what he was saying was hitting all of us at once. Ding, ding, ding! Light bulbs flashing all over the place as it dawned on us that we're actually more in control of our emotional state than we thought. I'm a control freak. So, I grabbed onto that truth like it was a million, katrillion dollars. Me. In control. That is a thought that makes me smile. If I can teach myself to stop, think, and exert control over how I react to the world's opinion of me, I think I can improve my happiness meter substantially. Right? Right. I've come full circle. This time last year I was bottoming out with depression and heading into hospitalization. And guess where I am today. Things aren't exactly the same, though. I'm not suicidal this time around, nor am I being admitted 24/7. But I am going back into group therapy for awhile. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have even imagined this possibility. But a lot can happen in a short time.
I've talked before about the fact that there are a lot of people in this world who don't understand depression or don't believe it actually exists. When I was released last year from the hospital, I was in a good place. Calm. Peaceful. Strong. Confident. And then I got back around several people (bear in mind, I didn't have a choice in the matter) and I slowly started backsliding. These are people who knew the chinks in my armor, and almost purposely jabbed at me in those spots. My anxiety increased. My mood changed. My depression crept back in and started its beatdown of my spirit. So, I pushed back. Tried to hide it, fake it, ignore it. But guess what, guys? IT DOESN'T WORK. No matter how much others tell you to just "snap out of it", it's impossible to do so. When they don't understand that, they resort to thinking you're just "wallowing" or being "dramatic". And the anxiety and depression creeps up even more. So, I started widening the distance between myself and these so-called friends. They are toxic to my spirit, and I simply cannot allow them to continue to drag me down again. It's the only thing I can do to protect myself because I guarantee they will never understand or acknowledge they are wrong. These are people who will blame everyone else on this earth for everything...but never themselves. There has been one relationship I was trying to keep afloat - for one reason, really. This person, as I stated in my previous post, has thrown barbs at me for years. Because I didn't know how to go about standing up for myself without getting into trouble, I turned their comments inward and accepted the blame. I took responsibility and started the self hate again. Panic attacks began increasing. Anger and resentment over the past several years' emotional abuse started to bottleneck. And then it happened. The door I've been trying so damn hard to keep ajar slammed shut. There is no love in my heart for them. There is anger, and surprisingly, pity. I pity them. There is so much ugliness there, that hating them is useless and just a waste of my time. They need my pity and my prayer more anything. I'll pray, yes, I'll do that. But will I let them get close to me in the future? Will I ever, EVER confide in them again? Will I ever show even an ounce of weakness to them again? HELL NO. My time is too precious to waste on them, other than praying that God will touch their hearts and guide them in how to act/behave from this point on. I'm going into group therapy again. It's going to be really good for me, and knowing what my plan is when I'm released has me feeling pretty confident about the odds of me ever needing this again in the future. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing what's right and necessary for me. I wish with all my heart it hadn't come to this. But I've learned wishing doesn't get you anywhere....you have to take action towards that wish to make any progress. I can't rely on anyone else to do this for me. It's up to me. This past year has shown me who my actual true friends are. I've learned who I can trust, and who is wearing a mask that has fooled me. I've given up trying to preserve or rescue relationships that are harmful for me. There's no more time to waste on that. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd leave this earth regretting the time I've already spent on such uselessness, and I don't want to take that chance. Depression is real. Anxiety is real. Every other mental illness you've ever heard of is real. If you aren't 100000% sure that you know what should be said to help someone, then shut up. Just shut up. It's that easy. Not only will it maybe preserve a relationship you have with someone, but it might even give you a chance to do some reading on the topic. Then, next time a friend or loved one or co-worker needs help...you may just be able to actually lighten the load for them a bit. Imagine that. This past week was a life changing one for me. Let me start with the vegetables first, and then we'll talk about the dessert.
Since I was discharged from the hospital and completed my group therapy, I've been a different person. I learned so much while I was there, and while I know in my heart many of the things I was encouraged to start doing were great ideas, it's still been hard to actually incorporate them into my life. And when I have, it's been 1 step forward, 2 steps back in many ways. But I have been making slow progress. The past 2 months have tried very hard to make me backslide. I think you can see that in my previous posts. I'd be up and then I'd be down, which is normal with depression/GAD. My doctor and I are still working together to tweak my medications to help me get the most benefit from them. Unfortunately, I still haven't had any extra time in my schedule to work-in talk therapy, so I've had to lean on a few people when I've felt the overwhelming desire to talk/vent/explode at. Those special souls are SO dear to me, and they know exactly who they are. Anyway, this past week I had a "run-in" with someone who seriously crossed a line with me. It's a person that either doesn't really believe clinical depression is real, or they simply don't understand it whatsoever. Several things were said that may have sounded encouraging to them, but were incredibly un-helpful and even harmful to me. And then an insult was thrown right in my face. An insult to my physical appeareance. Honestly, I was so stunned that someone would say something like that to my face, that I didn't know how else to react, so I just took it. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Like SUPER angry. And I added up all the little barbs that this person has thrown at me over a long time, and something inside me snapped. Why have I put up with it? Why did I not snap a long time ago? I think, it's because God knew that I wasn't ready to do what needed to be done. Until now. So let's cut to the good stuff. I received some words of wisdom meant just for me from the most extraordinary and unexpected source. This happened towards the end of the week, and it's completely turned me around. This advice, this almost order, is one of the simplest things that can be said, and yes, I've heard it before. But, I think what made this time around so different is who said it to me. It was almost like I needed it to come from that kind of person. These little pearls of wisdom? "Alison, take care of you. Do what you need to do for you." The moment those words were spoken to me, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. HUGE. Everything clicked inside, and it was almost like I've been waiting for permission to do just this. My doctor hasn't been able to give me the persmission, and neither have my therapist or group therapist. It was this other person, one that I literally felt like was a guardian angel speaking to me. My heart doesn't feel heavy anymore, I don't have guilt over taking 'me time' or ignoring people who have a history of hurting me. It's the closest I've ever come to being carefree. Guess what? Since this happened, I haven't stressed about the these last 2 weeks we have before we close on the sale of our house. I'm allowing myself to think excitedely about my future home. I'm shopping for decorations, looking at home decor ideas, planning the parties I'm going to throw and the Halloween and Christmas memories we're going to make. The worry that used to overcome me at a Hurricane level is now just an afternoon shower, and I'm able to shake it off so much easier. I am not bothering with people who are just plain toxic in my life, and their thoughts about me don't matter one bit. I've made my decision (finally!!) to look out for me, myself, and I. When do you say enough is enough? I feel like screaming at the universe to STOP IT! I have enough on my plate, and now I've had some more "opportunities for growth" thrown at me. Really, y'all, I'm completely aware that these things are minor enough in their own right. But I'm buried in them, so minor has turned into major and when I was at my check-in appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, I started crying as I began talking about all of it. It's turned into the too hard to handle pile. Her answer was to put me on Abilify to boost my current med's benefits. Yay. To go along with the above, I'm stuck in this internal battle with myself about feeling guilty for having taken this much time. One side tells me that it's given to me as part of my compensation package, and it's there to use should I need it. The other part of me - the part that beats me up over everything - is dishing out a huge guilt trip that has me now fearing I'll lose my job. And wouldn't that just be a grand thing to happen with a new house? Now, has there been mention of it to me? No. Have I been told that my work performance sucks? No. So any rational, practical person would say to themselves, "why worry?". We all know where I fall, so I'm over in this dark corner of my mind planning for what we'll do when I lose my job, we lose our house, and find ourselves living under a bridge somewhere eating leftover food out of dumpsters, and bathing in rain water leftover in ditches. Which brings me to the GD fucking house. I seriously am NEVER, and oh how I mean EVER, going through this again. I will die inside that house. I am not selling it to either upgrade OR downgrade. This is it. I may even have myself buried there. I AM NEVER GOING THROUGH THIS PROCESS AGAIN!!!!! So what set me off this time? Oh, well the inspector came on Saturday, and Sunday morning around 10am when the pump for the Polaris pool sweeper kicks on via timer, our neighbor texts Joe and says "something is wrong with your pool". Oh dear God, thoughts of a kid climbing into the backyard and drowning flashed through my mind. Visions of the pool completely overrun and water everywhere, thoughts that the waterfall feature was broken, or something was spewing into the air all zipped through my head at warp speed. I spend the next 20 minutes while Joe drives over there waiting for him to text me with what the problem is. Said problem is that the pump for the Polaris was busted. Now, I'm not necessarily saying the inspector did it, but it does seem kind of odd, timing wise. Add to that, he pulled the pulley completely out of one of the windows, so I feel pretty safe saying we'll have a window repair in our future. The other thing that jumped out to hubs is that the soffit on one side of the house was hanging down. It just so happens that my uncle and hubs fixed that thing from the LAST inspection that was done 30 days ago, and it was done well. Now, that's falling down again, too? Again, right after the inspection is done? I'm refusing to let my mind go wild on the amount of things we didn't notice that might/will appear on this report that didn't appear on the last one. But I don't trust this inspector and I don't have a good feeling. It doesn't help that we are just in a waiting pattern for our agent negotiator to call with the list of demands from the buyer to be fixed. We'll negotiate the items down, just like we did the last time, but if he comes in with something ridiculous like foundation issues (which we do NOT have), I'm going to blow a gasket and the guy could go to outer space and I'll still find him. Have I mentioned I'm more of an instant gratification kind of girl? I don't like waiting because I've learned that it just gives me more time to build myself into a stressball worrying. We received several more bills that we were not anticipating, so yeah, not the greatest timing there, either. The hospital bill was $23K for my 2 day stay. I only have to pay $600 of it, but that's $600 that would help towards house repairs, closing costs, and down payment. Then the lovely ambulance bill came and that was $1200!!!! For a 10 minute drive!!!!!!! And insurance didn't pay a cent, which I'm told they won't because they don't pay ambulance costs. Ummm, I didn't have a choice. It's not like I called 911 and said, hey, I'm sorta twitching a lot and I could use a nice lift where I can lay down, so could ya send an ambulance my way? It was more like the doctor's office freaking out at what my body was doing on its own and calling 911 and demanding an ambulance, and by the time they even got there, only bits and pieces remain in my memory because I was so out of it. I hate dealing with insurance. It's difficult to understand, the fine print will get you if you don't fully read it, and it just keeps getting more and more expensive for less and less coverage. That's all I'm going to say about this topic because it's just making me plain mad writing about it. So, here I am. Waiting to see, per doctor's orders, if H's juicy cough and slight tummy ache starts turning into fever so I'll have another case of strep on my hands. Waiting to see how much more time off I'm going to need to get through this freaking "year of the shit going wrong". Waiting to see what the ever loving hell is going to happen with the inspection report and closing on our old house. Waiting to see if/when/how the builder on our new house is going to fix the problems we've discovered just doing our weekly visit. Like, here's one for you....they installed the upstairs air conditioner thermostat in my youngest daughter's bedroom. INSIDE A BEDROOM. Instead of somewhere in the millions of feet (ok, I exaggerate there but seriously TONS of room) of hallway outside the bedrooms they could have installed it. Waiting to see how long it takes them to remove one of the newly planted trees because they planted the wrong one, and we happened to have paid for a particular tree, so I'm not just going to live with it. I want what I paid for. So I'm just waiting. The one thing on earth I truly suck at. This is going to be kind of a jumbled mess, so please bear with me.
So much is going on in my neck of the woods. Some good, some frustrating, and some depressing. But as a friend told me today, all of it is meant to make me stronger. I 100% believe that's true...but it's still hard as hell sometimes to keep that in mind. Selling/buying a house sucks. It sucks ass. It sucks SO HARD, y'all. As most know, our first buyer fell through ON THE DAY OF CLOSING, and I swear that about ended me right there. Then, we got an even better offer, and we were so excited...until 24 hrs later they backed out with zero explanation why. Okay, we took a deep breath, evaluated where we were at, and kept showing. We are now on our 3rd buyer and I'm holding my breath. Good news is the 7 day option period after we signed the contract ended today, and they haven't backed out yet. So, I'm feeling a tad more confident. But honestly, guys, I'm so beat down by this freakin' process that I'm kinda numb. Just keep your fingers and toes crossed for us that this time the deal goes great, ok? I'd super duper appreciate that. In the meantime, we've been living with my aunt and uncle. I know, I know, to a lot of people that probably sounds horrible. But, really, it's sort of great. They have a huge house, so it's not cramped or anything. I love hanging out with them and chatting with them, so we're good there. The girls are content here, the dogs have adjusted, so really no complaints. Except. We are living 2 counties away from where our new house will be, and where the girls' schools are. That.is.quite.a.commute. We are burning through gas driving all over creation getting them to school, getting to work, getting back across the world to pick them up after school, and then driving back "home". It makes me tired just writing that. So that's another reason why I'm ready to get this deal done. So, let's talk about stupid people. I'm surrounded by them in certain aspects of my life. I know I should just love them through it....pray for them, and take the high road. Which I do (except for the love them through it. I do NOT do that). But man, I really wish I could just ask them if they realize how fucking dumb they are. I can just imagine how satisfying that would be. Of course, they'd probably look at me like I'm speaking Russion or something and not get it. Which would just make me madder. So, I hold my tongue (for the most part), grit my teeth, and try my damndest to be civil. This goes back to building character and making me stronger. Again, I totally believe that...but I don't have to LIKE it. Speaking of holding my tongue and being the better person...get this. I had someone at work complain to my manager because I wasn't "responsive enough" to his emails. Okay. I get it. He needs to be babied. Whatever. So I take the high road and send him an email apologizing for my seemingly un-responsiveness. I gave him an explanation as to why that week had sorta been bad (because I was dealing with some of the stupid people referenced above), and even said I wasn't excusing my "behavior", but was just trying to give some context for the situation. I was super polite, apologetic, committed to doing better, etc., etc. Do you know what this person has done??????? I know for a fact they read the email and I have received NOT ONE WORD BACK IN RESPONSE, OR ONE WORD SINCE. Ummmmmm....you complained about my communication skills and then you don't respond to me? Pot meet kettle. Stone meet glass ceiling. WTF? But I'm gritting my teeth and taking the high road again, but I really want to get in his grill and just 'splain some things to him. Starting with what communication is really about. Back to the moving thing. H really likes her new school and is making friends [insert huge sigh of relief here]. But she still hates the idea of us moving into a new house and gets downright sulky and unresponsive when we go look at how it's progressing or talk about plans for decorating it...you get the idea. I'm getting exasperated with it, but I'M TAKING THE DAMN HIGH ROAD, and not letting her see it. I just keep reminding her that she will make all kinds of wonderful memories in the new house and she will always have the memories from the old house with her. It's like talking to a brick wall with hormones, but I still talk. What really hurt, though, was the other night she told me that I "didn't love her enough". Now. I realize she's hitting the hormone stage, and we're in this horribly different routine right now, and everything is just askew, so I tried really hard to not let it affect me. But, honestly, I felt like shit. So part of me wants to do whatever it takes to make her feel better, and the other part of me wants to believe that it's okay to make your kids mad sometimes and it's my job to be a parent first and a friend second. She knows that we're moving because we wanted them both in better schools. Their education is one of the most important things to hubs and I. But, boy, have I pissed her off with this decision and saying "I" is not a mistake. Hubs and I both made the decision, yet she's taking it out on me. I'm frustrated and sad and irritated all at the same time over this. So, in a nutshell, I'm trying to just hold my tongue and get through the next few months. I might lose my shit to a select few, but for the most part I'm not letting anyone else see it because that has gotten me in trouble in the past. I know it's in my best interest to be the better person in 99% of the scenarios I find myself in. But it's hard...and basically goes against who I really am. I'm more outspoken than you'd think. And I despise the fact that I have to hide it in order not to hurt anyone else's feelings or make them uncomfortable because they can't handle the truth. I've been dished a LOT of truth about myself from others and I'm handling it just fine. So either I'm just really, really great at accepting feedback compared to most, or I've just really gotten good at taking that road that is not low. Either way, go me. I'm gonna be one really strong woman when this is all over. |
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