Along with the arrival of Fall, I made a significant decision regarding my future path. After careful thought, I chose to give notice at my job so that I can embark on the next chapter in my new life. It was not a decision I made lightly, but I am 100% certain it was the correct one. The career I’ve “enjoyed” over the last (almost) 10 years has run its course, and although it gave me a great deal of security in various ways over the years, the pros of staying are far outweighed by the cons.
The reactions to my decision have been varied, and though only the closest of my friends have addressed it with me directly, I’m quite aware of what others think of it. The old me would have fretted herself silly over what others thought of this change. It would have eaten me alive to think of even one person’s disapproval. But thankfully, I’ve changed. And that’s not just lip service. I’ve heard a lot of the negative whispers and they don’t bother me. They don’t bother me because the truth is nobody knows my particular circumstances, the goals I’m working towards, or really, anything, behind my decision. My family knows. My best friends know. And that is good enough for me. This is such an exciting time. The pre-July 2015 Alison wasn’t ready to pursue the different opportunities that have presented themselves over the last few years, but the new me is. I’m embracing the possibilities because when all the shit hit the fan a few months ago, and I found myself starring in my own rendition of Good Will Hunting (minus the genius part), I realized I really do have the power, and more importantly the desire, to find myself. Living with major depression and anxiety is hard enough on its own. Living with it when you don’t honestly know who you are at the core is next to impossible. It’s no wonder I’ve been such a scattered mess. How can you get anywhere when you don’t know where you came from or where you’re heading? You can’t. I can’t over-emphasize how much therapy changed, and is still changing, me. And I’m going to share with you the only thing you really need to know. The life you want for yourself is completely in your hands. It all comes down to choice. Happiness? Faith? Doing something that speaks to the truth of who you are? You can have all these things - if you choose them. That’s it. That’s the big secret. Simple, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter if you spend 20 years in therapy, undergo deep psychoanalysis, and hash over every detail of your past, or if you just spend 5 minutes deciding what kind of life you want. They both end the same. You choose. And you keep choosing every day. I had a session yesterday, and we discussed my newfound ability to say “enough with the bullshit”. She told me how proud she was of me, and you know, I’m pretty proud of me, too. I look back at all the years I wasted people pleasing, drifting aimlessly, afraid to stand up for myself, and I cringe. When someone asked me the famous question “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I had no answer. None. The future was completely blank. But, I can answer the question now. And not only can I answer it, I can illustrate it, too. Because now I can feel it, touch it, taste it. It’s real because I’m choosing it into existence. Is everything going to be perfect now? No. Am I going to have all the answers and make perfect decisions from here on out? Double no. Will I still have bad days and face adversity? Absolutely. But there is a key difference between the then and now. Before, my world was dark, cast in a shadow of uncertainty and doubts that felt like weighted chains keeping me prisoner. Remember that cage of fear I told you I lived in? Yep, that was me. But, I finally found the light switch and flipped it on, and the difference is amazing. My vision is clear. My faith is strong. My heart is happy. I walked up to the mouth of the cannon and survived. In the wake of the smoke and rubble, I found a clearing for a new life to be built upon. My world is a blank slate, and I can’t wait to start a brand new chapter.
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I LOVE this time of year for so many reasons. Fall happens to be my favorite season because the heat of Texas finally begins to lessen. Pumpkin Spice Lattes make their annual appearance, it’s perfectly natural and expected to make pumpkin everything – which happens to be my favorite flavor ever. In fact, for my birthday every year growing up I asked for a pumpkin pie rather than a birthday cake. Halloween decorations are out, kids are getting excited about costumes, and candy corn is the sugary heaven that I crave and then grow tired of after one handful. Football kicks off and that is a huge thing in my house – how ‘bout those Cowboys?, Gig’Em!, and Go Vols! are heard throughout the house all weekend long. And all my favorite TV shows are finally making their debuts back on my screen. J and I spent 40 minutes tonight discussing the return of our favorites and reminiscing about those from our past that we could watch over and over and over again. And then we spent another 10 minutes discussing all the failures over the years – the ones we thought were gonna be great and then flopped and those that just failed to capture our attention. We have similar tastes, but don’t always agree. One of my favorite things about him, though, is his willingness to give everything a try at least once. No matter how cheesy he thinks it will be, he sits and watches it with me. And you know what? On more than one occasion, I’ve actually turned him into a fan of a show he was convinced would be terrible.
So, along that vein, and because this is my blog and I can, I’m going to recap our discussion. Don’t judge me too harshly…some of these are a blessed escape from the stress and humdrum of real life and some are just downright good storytelling. Current Favorites: NCIS and NCIS Los Angeles Castle Bones Big Bang Theory The Vampire Diaries The Originals Reign Pretty Little Liars The 100 Promising New Shows: Blindspot Shows that were canceled WAY before their time because the networks are stupid: Firefly Enlisted Fringe The Tomorrow People Stargate Universe Contiuum Past Favorites that will never get old: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Revenge Friends That 70’s Show Stargate SG-1 (I mean, Richard Dean Anderson…’nuff said) Dawson’s Creek Chuck Lost Angel Seaquest (Does anyone besides me remember this one?) True Blood (Seasons 1-3) Sex and the City Charmed I believe that people are brought into your life to teach you something….whether that something is good, bad, or in-between. I take a look around me and I process what each person has meant to my life, and my belief is true. I have learned so much.
This new chapter of my journey is extremely unknown territory for me. I know there are people around me that don’t think I’ve changed, or that I even have the capacity to change. For those people, I shake my head and feel sorry for them. These are the ones who will never understand what it is to do a close examination of your life, your soul, your very essence, and make genuine strides to try and improve. These are the ones I call toxic, and I have no more time or energy to spend on them. Then there are those that know on a superficial level what I’m going through – things I have not gone into detail here for privacy reasons – and they just smile, give me an “atta-girl” and “keep up the good work” and move along with their own concerns. I smile when I think about these friends, because although they may not necessarily want to know the nitty gritty details…and I don’t necessarily want to share them…they truly are happy that I’m still fighting and they believe that I will work through it. And finally, there are the precious few, the ones I can count on 1 one hand, who know it all, and love me even more because of it. These are the ones that my heart sings for. I know with 200% certainty that it doesn’t matter what I’m going through….high or low…they want to fight with me, and sometimes for me. These angels on earth are the closest to me in all the world, and I would move heaven and earth to be there for them as they’ve done for me. But, despite all the people surrounding me, the truth is I am alone. And that will never change. I alone know what is inside me and only I can puzzle it all out and find my path to freedom. It’s an overwhelming thought sometimes. To know that nobody can really help or give me the answers. I’ve had a few days here and there where the loneliness of it was so terrifying and huge that all I could do was sit and stare at a wall, willing my mind to go blank. Just so I couldn’t feel it. The basic feelings that I’m carrying inside are strong. Anger. So much anger. Frustration. Sheer exhaustion that it’s taken me 39 (almost 40) years to be just scratching the surface like I am. Loneliness. And then more anger. The difference in experiencing all these things than “pre-July 2015” is that I now know what I’m angry at. I’m 100% aware of what has created so much turmoil in my life, and it PISSES ME OFF! I’ve been walking around my entire life trying to figure out what was wrong with ME and it turns out it had nothing to do with me at all. That anyone experiencing what I did would feel the same way and would probably be struggling with the exact things I’ve fought with up to now. Knowing I’m not crazy? Awesome. Knowing it could have been prevented? FUCKING ANGER. Anyway, I was introduced to a song that perfectly captures where I’m at in this stage of my life. And, as ya’ll know, music speaks to me louder than any other medium does. So, I’m going to leave the lyrics here for you, and ask that if you feel so inclined, go listen to the actual song on Amazon Prime. It’s amazing and it’s totally me. Uncharted by Sara Bareilles No words, my tears won’t make any room for more And it don’t hurt Like anything I’ve ever felt before There is no broken heart No familiar scars This territory goes uncharted Just me in a room sunk down in a house in a town And I don’t breathe No, I never meant to let it get away from me No, too much to hold Everybody has to get their hands on gold And I want uncharted Stuck under the ceiling I made I can’t help but feeling [Chorus} I’m going down Follow if you want I won’t just hang around Like you’ll show me where to go I’m already out A foolproof idea, so don’t ask me how To get started, it’s all uncharted Each day I’m countin’ up the minutes ‘Til I get alone, ‘cause I can’t stay In the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m So alone, never knew how much I didn’t know Oh, everything is uncharted I know I’m getting nowhere When I only sit and stare like [Chorus] Jump start my kaleidoscope heart Love to watch the colors fade They may not make sense But they sure as hell made me I won’t go as a passenger, no Waiting for the road to be laid Though I may be going down I’m taking flame over burning out Compare Where you are to where you want to be And you’ll get nowhere I’m going down Follow if you want to or just hang around Like you’ll show me where to go I’m already out A foolproof idea, so don’t ask me how To get started [Chorus} Sometimes the intensity of my emotions overwhelm me. I can’t help but look at the world as two different people – pre and post “summer 2015” Alison, and I continue to discover every day how worlds apart these two selves are.
As odd as this may sound, I’m grateful for the events that have led me here. I say that because as confusing and painful as this process has been, it has been a key step in finding peace with who I am and what my life is about. Before, I was encased in an almost visible cage of fear. Fear of abandonment, of failure, and fear of life itself. The more I worried about the future and what would happen if I wasn’t the best at everything I attempted…the more I stressed about what I imagined Alison should be like…the more static I became. And it’s when you are stationary that fear and worry can really take root. I’ve spent 39 years feeling like the odd man out and not understanding why. A lifetime of doing everything I could to hold together puzzle pieces of my life that just didn’t quite fit with each other. Years of running a silent commentary in my mind that was primarily dominated by the question “Why?” Back in July, when everything came together in a perfect storm, and my mind flopped down in the battlefield with a white flag waving over it, I was pretty convinced I was broken for good. Little did I know that I was actually taking my first step towards the healthiest “me” I’ve ever been. I’ve been not so gradually releasing my grip on the idea of perfection, and as I do, the bars on that cage of fear have been softening and bending. I’m allowing the world to see me as only I’ve been privy to until now….a mess. Chaotic, intense, and random. I’m trying new things and I’m not worrying about what happens if I’m not good at them. I am speaking my mind. Even better? I’m facing adversity and being content with the knowledge that I know the truth, no matter what everyone else may think. Do you have any idea how huge that is? I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything contained in a nice, neat little package – things that are NOT nice, neat, or little – like my emotions, or if it’s because I don’t think I ever allowed myself to be the reckless and wild little kid that I yearned inside to be, or if it’s just a little piece of my inner defiance making its presence known, but I keep flashing back to a scene in one of my favorite childhood books. It was about a little girl named Ramona (Ramona and Beezus!) who saw a perfect, unused, shiny tube of toothpaste sitting on the bathroom counter. And she just HAD to squeeze that tube a tiny, little, teensy-weensy bit. Her fingers just positively itched to do so. So she did. She squeezed and squeezed and squeezed…until there was nothing left in that tube, and the sink was filled with ribbons of toothpaste swirled around the sides. That’s me. I can’t stop at that one little squeeze. I’ve tasted freedom, I’m gaining more peace of mind every single day, and it feels like the less control I have, the more I like it. Just like you can't put toothpaste back in the tube, I can't lock myself back in that cage. I'm a wiggly, squiggly bundle of holy mess. And I think I'll stay this way.
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and suddenly everything clicks into place? You are rested, focused, and almost daring the day to break you? That was me today. The first part of this week was a bit shaky, but today I woke up to a refreshed sense of self, a determination that I would not again be blindsided, and clarity about my circumstances and what I’m choosing to do about them. In a nutshell, I felt great. And you know what? I had a great day, despite a couple of minor shakeups.
It’s times like these that I feel more alive than ever. I give myself a hard time, but if I’m truly honest, I can credit myself with never being one to back down from a challenge. And when I’m challenged, my heels dig in and I get stubborn. I’ve had several go-rounds in the past with feeling defeated and hopeless. And I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to rebound. But, I’ve learned something new about myself. I’m a survivor and even when the odds seem to be against me, at least in my own mind, I’ve been able to find a way to dig my way upwards and try again. Sometimes that way is through getting serious, professional help. And sometimes it’s as simple as breathing through it and centering myself. I knew immediately when I opened my eyes this morning that today was going to be a zinger for me. My smile came easy, even while being alert for anything that might want to de-rail my momentum. I love that feeling. The confidence. It’s thrilling. Self-confidence. It’s something I’ve been severely lacking until recently. Two very specific things changed that and they both center around my wonderful, incredible, awesome therapist. The first is a little hard to explain, but I’m going to try. The past couple of times I’ve attempted professional help for my depression, I entered into it with a little corner of my heart believing it wouldn’t be successful. For something like this…either long term counseling or an intensive therapy program…you have to be 100%, wholly committed to it. You have to believe in yourself, and have faith in the people who are trying to help you. I did neither of these things, and that is why I didn’t really grow from those experiences. But when I walked into the group therapy room that first day, a mere 7 weeks ago, I met a woman who made me believe. I walked in there…uncertain, tearful, lost…and she looked at me and said “It’s going to be okay. We are going to get through this together.” That’s all it took. We connected immediately, and with her words, she unlocked that hidden corner of my heart that didn’t want to allow me to get better. I’ve been 100% invested since. The second happened yesterday afternoon. I had my first individual therapy session with her, and I was again a mess. The first couple of days back at work, along with a personal struggle, had tossed me around like a ragdoll. I didn’t understand why, when I was so committed to the fight. And again, she looked at me and shined a light on the truth. She said “Alison, it makes perfect sense that you’re feeling sideways right now. You worked your ass off for 7 weeks. I watched you fight so hard to find yourself, and more importantly, fight for yourself. But even as you were doing that in a protected and safe bubble, the world outside did not do anything to change or grow. So, the two aren’t congruent (my favorite word!). You’re not going crazy and you’re not really backsliding.” Whoa. I think a light bulb practically lit up over my head. When I left that session, I understood. I felt 1000% lighter. Free. Strong. I know there will still be bad days. But that’s okay. There’s an untapped strength inside me that was undiscovered until now. Now, though, I know it’s there. And I’m absolutely certain that my stubbornness, my unwillingness to break, the sheer tenacity that will be needed to continue to battle, will be bolstered by it. Today was just the start. |
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