Each year around Christmas afternoon, I get that deflated sensation, as 2 months of anticipation peaks and is then over in a matter of hours. Normally, by the time evening hits, I’m restlessly pacing around the house, throwing away ripped open toy packaging and leftover wrapping paper bits, while trying to find a place for everything new. This year, though, I am blissfully happy it’s over. Call me the Grinch, call me Scrooge, but I’m elated that I can start taking decorations down, and put this holiday out of my mind for another 11 months.
My depression has been slowly gaining ground for a while now. Dark thoughts creep in, though I do my best to push them out. I’m beyond tired of this battle. Tired of having to mentally fight tooth and nail to remind myself of all the positives in my life. Tired of feeling as if a hamster wheel resides in my brain, never slowing down in an endless loop of worry, restlessness, and feelings of worthlessness. Why can’t my brain allow myself to feel happiness and peace for longer than a few days? I inevitably fall into “the ditch” where I’m surrounded with ugly feelings and a sense of hopelessness that this cycle will ever stop. Yesterday…Christmas Day….had me in tears more than once. Feelings that I don’t want to spend time thinking about today overcame me, and they were not good, or peaceful, or joyous. In the past week, two people I know have realized a dream that I hold very close to my heart. I’m happy for them, yet also overwhelmed with an intense jealousy. It’s brought into sharp focus the fact that I haven’t taken my ambitions seriously enough, and though I’m working to take steps to remedy that, it’s not enough to quell the green eyed monster living inside me. I have a path forward laid out, and the only thing left to do now is follow it. It’s easy to do at times, and at others, frustrating and irritating beyond measure. It’s made me question if I even stand a chance or if I should let go of this dream and face reality. The maddening part is I have a feeling the only one who can answer that question is me. The girl who can become immobilized when a decision needs to be made….because she is so terrified of making the wrong choice. Have you ever wanted to just freeze time, so you can take as long as necessary to think about a problem and analyze all the possibilities before proceeding? I often wish for this. When a decision needs to be made, I usually feel pressured. And this leads to panic and anxiety attacks. All because I’m so petrified of making the wrong decision. Then, if I spend too much time thinking of my choices and trying to decide on one, I lose the chance to make my own judgment, anyway. I don’t take to this result well at all. There’s a large chance…very large chance…that I won’t like the way it ends up primarily because I didn’t get to choose it. It may very well be the outcome I’d have reached anyway, left to my own devices, but because I didn’t get to choose it…I’m going to hate it on principle. That makes me sound like a stubborn little toddler, but that’s the way it is. I’ll hate something just to spite you. And then I’ll hold a grudge until the end of time for making me have to spite you. So. 2015 is days away. I have a decision to make, planned New Year’s resolutions to enact, and another year to try to be a better person. One marked difference between the beginning of 2014 and the beginning of 2015 is that I have a much closer relationship to God now. I’m more comfortable than ever at leaning on him and asking for guidance. One of my favorite gifts from this past year, given to me by a dear, dear friend, is a necklace with a simple, yet profound, statement: Be still and know. Know that He is my Lord and He understands my needs and struggles more intimately than even I know them myself. Know that He has a plan for me and that wherever I am today is where I’m supposed to be. I do know that. But sometimes I still wish I knew the reason for why I am where I am. Is it so that I’ll be better prepared for something harder in my future? Is it so I can keep sharing my story to provide hope for somebody else? Is it punishment for being such a failure sometimes? I wish I knew. I remain convinced that knowing would make it much easier to bear and keep up the fight. But, I’m also perfectly aware that I may die never knowing. It is up to Him and I have to accept that. Not just some days or sometimes, but ALL days and ALL the time. With all my questions, fears, and worries, He remains my God and I trust Him. And that is something I have no trouble accepting at all.
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I am frazzled....I am tired...I am "awry". Catawampus, if you will. Christmas is in 2 days and I am nowhere near prepared. Every year I do this. Around September I start saying I'm going to get my Christmas shopping done early so that I can just slow down and enjoy the season in December. And every year you can see me zooming around town like I'm doing Flight of the Bumblebee trying to get everything accomplished in time for Christmas Eve with the family. I wish I would stop doing this!
It doesn't help that I'm just not feeling it this year. I've said this before, but I kinda, sorta wish all the hoopla would be over already. I was into the excitement of it all the first week in December and then I just sort of deflated. Maybe it's because I'm sick of all the crazies driving out there right now, or maybe it's the crowds and ridiculous prices of things, or perhaps it's just because I'm tired. I don't know. But I better figure out a way, and quick, of getting in gear and turning on my Christmas spirit for the sake of my family. You know what popped into my head today on the drive home from work? Bucket lists. I think it's because I was watching a Bones episode a few nights ago that was centered around the topic. Anyway, I don't have one, so I was trying to come up with some stuff I would put on my bucket list. I drove all the way home and only came up with 1 thing. Does that make me really unambitious? Or does that just mean I'm super content with what I have here and now? I don't have any countries or historical sites I want to see. I hate traveling out of the country and, thanks to my parents, I spent most summers growing up road tripping around the United States and seeing all the stuff this nation of ours has to offer. I'm in the home I plan to die in, so that's not available. I suppose I could always really, REALLY wishful think about my dream beach house, but I highly doubt that would ever actually happen. I don't know, guys. I just can't think of anything that I'm so anxious about doing or seeing that I'd call it a bucket list item. Sigh. A friend recently told me that I am anything but simple. I tried to think of an argument against that, but honestly, it's a 100% correct assessment. I don't think there is a single question or topic from food/drink preferences to hobby interests to music to burial plans that I can answer simply. It seems every response I have either has a caveat, an "except", or a "weeeellll, you see...." to it. It actually made me laugh because even the simplest question - Do you like Dr. Pepper? - wasn't a yes/no answer. Hubs has also made this exact observation about me, except he called me "difficult". I couldn't argue with him about it, either. I've decided, however, that these are good things to be. At least I've got character. Lots and lots of character. Jumping topics again...I watched H and L perform in the children's Christmas program at church yesterday, and my heart just swelled with pride. L was an angel and H played Mary. They both took it so seriously, and I just couldn't be a prouder mama if I tried. H performed a solo, and I'm so excited to watch her singing talent develop right in front of me. She auditioned for choir a few weeks ago for 6th grade, and I'm confident she'll be accepted. But, what I was really, really wanting to say is that the other night L was playing in her room and singing a song about Jesus to herself. I nearly cried. It was one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard - my baby singing about our Savior. It was a moment that I'll remember forever. My mind has been skittering all over the place and no amount of deep breathing or music has worked to slow it down a notch. I think the only time lately it's been completely sidetracked was watching my Dallas Cowboys clench their division in yesterday's game. I was screaming and yelling and high-fiving my friend who was watching with me, and I really don't think I had a non-football thought for 3 hours. Bliss. I'm off to make dinner, wrap presents, assess what still needs to be done, and hopefully deliver some gifts to neighbors. Tomorrow afternoon, I officially start my vacation. I won't see work again until 2015 - crazy to think it's already knocking on our doorstep! Several things have happened lately to put me in a reflective, and somewhat serious, mood. Each of these events have pointed in the same general direction. I am getting older. As many people love to tell me, "It beats the alternative", but it is still a somewhat bitter pill to swallow. A few weeks ago, my parents started making plans for what they want when they "go". This is not a topic I deal with very well in general anyway, but listening to my mom talk about the papers I need to sign, and what arrangements they are making, made me very upset. Sad. Nervous. Like she was trying to prepare me for some immediate bad news. When I asked that very question, she answered with a no...that it was just time to start addressing these things. I don't like thinking about a time in my life when my parents won't be here. It scares me and already makes me feel like a lost little girl. Speaking of little girls...during this same visit with my mom, she brought me some pictures taken during our trip to Hawaii when I was around 10 years old. I started flipping through the pictures and memories just flooded my mind. It had been me, my parents. and my mother's parents (Granny and Papa). I look at myself at 10 and see so many things. I see my Granny in my nose, my dad in my smile, and I see both H and L in my eyes and cheekbones. I see the mischievousness in my eyes below and I can't help but still grin at my expression here. I think I get a lot of my fire from my Granny - the original sassmaster, as far as I'm concerned. And in this picture, I am ALL my dad (please ignore the haircut, though. I LOATHED it, but my mom was still in control of it back then). While I was going through those pictures, I saw my past, my present, and my future. Someday, hopefully, my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be looking at pictures of me today, in search of where they got their freckles, eyes, or nose. I've had two friends in the past few weeks...friends rather close to my age...with health scares. So far, news has been positive, and we're all breathing a bit easier now, but the worry and fear it invoked inside me still lingers. Not just worry for them and their families, but worry about the fact that these type of things are cropping up more and more frequently with the people in my life. Last week, my fourth grade teacher passed away, which I blogged about here. Although she wasn't someone I spoke with all the time, she had a huge impact on my life as my teacher...and later on, as my friend. Her passing was shocking, but it also hit home one more reminder that the wheel of time cranks on, no matter how much or how hard I wish it would slow down. This time of year also brings about the memory of my above referenced Granny and Papa. Christmas Eve was their wedding anniversary, and not a year goes by that our family doesn't take a few moments in our evening ritual together to remember them, thank God for them, and smile. But not only is Christmas Eve a significant night for that reason, but it is also the night that my Papa passed away from his battle with cancer. He had been in so much pain, and was so, so sick, yet he hung in there with us through that night. There's no doubt in my mind that he did it for Granny. He wanted one more anniversary with her before he let go. It's been over a decade, but it always brings a lump to my throat when I remember that Christmas morning and was told he was gone. This year, it's an even stronger sadness. I can't think of any other reason why other than the recent bad news, health worries, and future planning that's been churning in my head. I realize I'm still young. I do. But, I'm also becoming a little more aware of how fleeting life is, and how quickly it can end. As usual, right when I'm feeling the most reflective, a song comes up on my playlist that makes me sit up a little straighter and listen a little harder. Tonight's drive home provided me time to listen to this one more than a few times. "The Riddle" by Five for Fighting There was a man back in '95 Whose heart ran out of summers But before he died, I asked him Wait, what's the sense in life Come over me, Come over me He said, Son why you got to sing that tune Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon Let an angel swing and make you swoon Then you will see... You will see Then he said, Here's a riddle for you Find the Answer There's a reason for the world You and I... Picked up my kid from school today Did you learn anything cause in the world today You can't live in a castle far away Now talk to me, come talk to me He said, Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all Still every mother's child sings a lonely song So play with me, come play with me And Hey Dad Here's a riddle for you Find the Answer There's a reason for the world You and I... I said, Son for all I've told you When you get right down to the Reason for the world... Who am I? There are secrets that we still have left to find There have been mysteries from the beginning of time There are answers we're not wise enough to see He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free... The batter swings and the summer flies As I look into my angel's eyes A song plays on while the moon is high over me Something comes over me I guess we're big and I guess we're small If you think about it man you know we got it all Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball And I love you free I love you freely Here's a riddle for you Find the Answer There's a reason for the world You and I... So, yeah. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on the past and reminding myself that the gift we've been given....the gift of time on this earth...is special. I've become more resolved to stop taking the events and details of each day for granted. And most of all, I've been praying for courage and strength to stand up to the worries in my head and to somehow find a way to quiet them. Granny and Papa, June 1986
I'm prickly today. Come too close and I'm liable to poke you. In fact, I had to use vacation time and leave work early this afternoon because I was dangerously close to coming unglued. If I were to choose a movie character that best sums me up today, it'd be the crotchety, curmudgeonly, little old man in Up. Yep, that's me. What got me in this state? I don't know. But I do know that until I'm good and ready to get out of it, I won't. Most of the normal things I do to lift my mood or just relax don't work when I'm prickly. You can't joke me out of it, soothe me out of it, talk me out of it, or even love me out of it. I just have to be left alone, preferably in silence, to work my own way out of it. I don't get this prickly very often. But today, wow. The coughing of one co-worker, the talking of another co-worker, the sounds of nails clacking on keyboards, and the papers swooshing out of the printer....all of it was beyond annoying. Almost like it was physically painful for me to be around it. Has anyone else ever experienced this?
Please don't think I enjoy feeling like this, because I do NOT. I don't like feeling as if my insides are sandpaper that just rub and rub until I'm so bloody irritated in general that I can't even stand myself. It's days like this when I wish for a pitch black and soundproof room. I would crawl into a corner, sit barefoot and cross legged, hands in my lap, eyes closed, and just exist. Breathe. Sort.my.shit.out. Such a lovely thought. I'm home alone for a few hours. I could watch a movie or catch up on one of my TV shows. I could decorate the Christmas tree or finish hanging up pictures. I could play with the dogs outside. And I could listen to music on full blast and just putter. I could bake. But my response to all these "coulds" is no,no,no, and no. No. Just NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I don't think this is part of my depression. I think it's just part of me and who I am sometimes. And sometimes I'm just prickly. I love and deeply appreciate those in my life that just get that and love me through it. They don't try to get me out of it, but they give me the space they know I need. Maybe I'm weird in this, but somehow I don't think so. I think lots of people feel this way at one point or another, and they all have different words for it. This is just mine. I blogged a week ago about my habit of focusing too much on trying to make everything perfect, and in the process, losing out on simply enjoying life as it's happening. Tonight, I received some heartbreaking news that also served to remind me that time is precious and each day should be enjoyed and cherished for what it is. A person that was dear to me in a special way found out a week ago she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She passed away today. Part of me is grateful that it was quick. I know very well how devastating and painful that particular cancer can be. But the rest of me is so very sad. She was a beautiful woman...one that I've known since I was about 9 years old. She was my fourth grade teacher. I never took the time over the years to tell her how much of a role model she'd been for me. I wish I had. She came to all my bridal showers, my wedding, and baby showers. She always had a smile on her face and was quick to laugh. She raised two beautiful daughters, and as I think of what they are going through tonight, I just want to hug them.
I've received this kind of news a lot lately, and it's sobering. Tonight it really struck me how fragile our time on this earth is. And it reminds me that time can never be rewound. Once each day is done, it's gone forever. I feel a renewed resolve to slow down, stop worrying about the dirty dishes in the sink, the unswept floor, or the laundry piling up. Instead, I want to focus on the laughter, memories, and love that surround me on a daily basis. It is these things that we carry with us to the end. And it is these things that I've let pass me by too much and too often. I am so sad tonight. I've cried and I've prayed. And I'm thankful. As painful as this news is, as much as it hurts to think of this lovely woman gone from this world, I'm grateful that it has given me another chance to open my eyes to the most important parts of life...God, family, friends, and love. Do you know what is the worst part about panic? It’s the out of control feeling that comes along with it. I mean, that’s really the majority of what it is, right? Unfortunately, I don’t deal with that feeling very well. I recognize panic as it is setting in by the sinking sensation in my stomach, followed with a tightening of my shoulders and a gut instinct to pick up the nearest thing I can find and throw it. Isn’t that odd? Throw things? But, that’s how it starts. And then the next thing I know, I’m losing focus on anything I should be doing and basically trying everything in my power to not curl up in a ball in the smallest space I can find and shut down. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose.
I’m panicked. For a wide variety of reasons. Part of it is simply that this is a hectic time of year. Not only is it crazy with work right now, but it’s time to prepare for Christmas, which is no small feat in and of itself. I’m also battling against a sense of urgency about getting my house done. Why is that? We’ve only been moved in about 6 weeks, but for some reason I feel pressured to have it all done by now. The fact that I don’t is making me feel like such a failure. Failure leads to panic. Panic leads to other things. It’s not a good cycle. I left for work at 6:20am this morning. I didn’t get home until almost 7pm. Tomorrow, I will repeat the cycle and I just don’t see where I’m going to find the time to do anything else I need to be doing. As much as I love Christmas, right now I feel like it’s more of a chore than a joyous celebration. I’m saddened and anxious just admitting that out loud. I can see what I’m doing, but I can’t stop. I try to be so damn perfect at everything I attempt that I completely lose sight of enjoying the moment. Decorating, baking, caroling, shopping for loved ones….these are things I should be smiling about. But what am I doing instead? I’m stressing about making the décor match the vision inside my head perfectly, trying to get the perfect recipe just right, and scrabbling about making sure everything on the wish lists are bought and wrapped, you guessed it…perfectly. I’m smacking myself in the head, knowing I’m focusing on the wrong things and letting precious potential memories pass me by, yet unable to talk myself, pray myself, or make myself slow down and not worry stuff. I’m guessing this is a common problem. But, as usual, when I look around my life, I see everyone else doing “it” better than me, regardless whether it’s true or not. Which adds pressure, which makes me feel more stressed, and…’round and ‘round I go. Today (and tonight) was 80% not a good day (the other 20% was great, though!). Part work, part personal, but all of it a world set on fast forward with the characters jibber jabbering and moving jerkily around me. I wanted to scream at it to just slow down so I could think. Being unable to clearly think, to put everything in my world (including my thoughts), into a measured, stable, orderly, logical place sends me over the edge. Maybe that is what is at the core of everything I struggle with. I am innately erratic, chaotic, irrational, and completely illogical. And I’m trying to force myself into the complete opposite of all that. Throw in my stubborn streak, and you have one seriously conflicted, and FREAKING TIRED, chick on your hands. How many times on this blog have I questioned if “this theory” or “that theory” of mine is what is really wrong with me? Many. Many, many times. Does the fact that I’m still coming up with self revelations and theories mean that none of my prior ones were true? Yeah…don’t answer that. I don’t think I want to know. So. I just typed all those words to say this: there’s so much going on in my head that I can’t seem to adequately put it into words anymore. But, Anna Nalick’s song “Breathe (2 AM)” does, and so I share the important parts of it here with you now. It’s a wonderful song that I relate to so well. Cause you can’t jump track, we’re like cars on a cable, And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe, just breathe There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout ‘cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out, And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again, If you’d only try turning around. 2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song, If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd, Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud, And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to. But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable, And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand, And breathe, just breathe Whoa breathe, just breathe. |
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