The longer I've blogged, the more I've felt it was a mistake. I keep thinking I've shared too much, been too open, too unguarded. My mind is whispering to me, "That's it, time to stop. They've seen enough." I want to creep back inside myself now. I want the world to forget what I've said and what I've been through. I want to go back to being anonymous.
Is that possible? I think perhaps so. Maybe my words have not gone far, and they are just floating out there, unnoticed. I feel mostly at peace with that thought. As much as I had hoped I would reach people with my story, I also have hoped my story would just go away. I'm much better at being the silent observer. It's where I'm comfortable. Yes, I have a wisecrack or two I can always throw out there, but I think it's time I stop trying to be an active participant in the conversation. It's hard, it's tiring, and it hurts too much. For those that have listened, commented, or passed along...my deepest thanks. And I hope that maybe something I've said along the way has helped....even if it's just a little bit.
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My car is the best place for me to think. During my commute to and from work and running errands on weekends, I think about everything. I'm either listening to my music library, focusing on the words and memories that come along with them, or I'm driving in silence letting my mind run loose. This past Thursday, while driving home after a disastrous day at work, the full realization of what I've been doing wrong all this time hit me.
I envy those in this world who truly, absolutely, wholly know who they are. It doesn't matter to me if they like or dislike themselves. No, that is not what brings out the jealousy in me. It's the fact that they know who they are right down to the core...that is what I'm envious of. I'm 38 years old and I don't really know who I am. I've spent all these years asking the wrong questions. They are questions that will certainly come into play and need to be addressed...but not right now. The question I should have started with is "Who am I?" How can I truly address my "issues" and try to employ fixes to my character if I don't really know who I am? I can't. Maybe that is why I haven't made much progress with my anxiety, depression, and perfectionism issues. Maybe I have so much anxiety because I'm not embracing the person I really am. Maybe subconsciously I'm scared of who she is. My family, friends, and co-workers would probably say they know who I am. I can almost hear people saying, "Alison is xyz because she does this, this, and this". But there's a kink in that, and I've sort of touched on this before. I'm not the same person to everyone. When I walk through the door to family, some switch inside me flips, and I'm the Alison they know me as. When I go to work, that switch flips to the Alison that my co-workers and manager see. And when I'm with people I don't know that well I'm completely different from how I am around close friends. So, in all of those personalities that the various people in my life see, I don't really know which one is the real me. I've been told by some that I need to be more engaging because I'm coming across as too closed off and quiet. And when I try to become more vocal, I'm then told that I'm being too loud or too bitchy or too something else. Okay, then what the hell do you want me to be? That question is what flew into my head the past week, and triggered this line of thought. I can't seem to please everyone. So, what I need to do is just please myself. Hence, the next thought I had...but how do I do that? I don't really know what DOES please me. Because I don't really know which one of the many "Alisons" that I display, depending on the audience, is really me. The only way I can think of to answer that question is to start doing and behaving what comes naturally into my head and heart...that creates happiness within me, regardless of who is around me or what situation I'm in. THEN, once I figure out if I'd prefer to be the introvert who doesn't want to get engaged with people, keep everyone at arm's length personality, or be the snarky, dry sense of humor, don't piss me off or I'll crush you, but I'll love you forever once I trust you personality, I can start deciding what needs to be worked on...OR, if maybe I'm just fine the way I am and there's not really anything to fix. So. Starting today, I'm ignoring how people expect me to behave, and I'm going to do what makes me happy inside. There will probably be a trial and error phase, while I'm deciding if this or that is making me happy, but I think, finally, that I'm starting in the right direction. Today was a rough one. Something that was supposed to be simple turned very, very complicated. I can somewhat see the humor in the situation now...somewhat. But up until a few hours ago I was still in a "high pitched hover" (that's a work-ism where I work, no lie). It has taken me all afternoon and evening to recover. We all know I have GAD and I'm a super perfectionist. The last 14 days have taken quite a toll on my nerves, and I think it all crashed on me this afternoon around lunchtime. So, here's what happened:
Hubs and I have been up until all hours of the night for over a week doing things to the house. No, my realtor did not ask us to do probably 1/2 the things we did, but me being the nervous perfectionist I am, I wanted, and hubs was right there with me, to do everything possible to make sure our house sells, sells quick, and sells for what we're asking. So, I'm tired, I'm rundown, and my nerves are shot. Today I was supposed to meet my realtor at our house at noon to do the final walk through before the professional pictures are taken tomorrow at 10am. A whole other side note: we are supposed to get awful thunderstorms tomorrow and I have been freaking out wondering how they'll get good pictures of the house from the front and back if it's pouring. Luckily, the realtor was able to take some temporary ones with his phone, and we took some with our camera just as it started pouring tonight. So, we have something we can use if comes down to it. However, I digress... So, I'm leaving work at 11 in order to swing by Target to get a new curtain rod, and I'm already getting frustrated because every single car on the road was driving like they were 100 years old. I know screaming at people from inside your car doesn't accomplish anything, but it make me feel better to scream pretty much every obscenity, and then some I made up, that I know. I finally get to Target with enough time to run in, grab my items, and speed on home for the noon appointment. Everything is going great...I find my curtain rod and my air freshener refills and I even flew through the checkout lane because nobody was in front of me. Great so far, right? Then disaster struck. I put my cart back up inside the store, walk to my car while digging in my purse for my keys (which I KNEW I had in my hand during the fragrance search) and come to the horrible realization that my keys are missing. Nowhere. Gone. At this point I'm about 15 minutes away from my appointed time to meet my realtor and it's a good 15 minute drive from Target to my house. I run back inside the store and the cart I had just put up 1 fuh-reaking minute ago was already gone. I start flying through the store panicked, retracing my steps. No keys. I ask the ladies at the checkout lane I used and again, no keys. I'm calling hubs getting hysterical and he tells me to go back to the car and stand guard so nobody can take the car with the keys if they found them (and were of a shady sort). This makes sense, so I do. I'm standing in the Texas July heat pacing my car, calling the inside of the Target's customer service desk to see if they had been turned into lost and found. They hadn't. I call hubs back even more hysterical and he says he has my spare car key and he'll run it over to me. I call the realtor to explain what's happening and he's so calm it's eerie (because in my mind this is full on CRISIS) and we plan to meet at 12:30, because you know, hubs is bringing me my key. Everyone's been called and all I can do is wait. So, I wait. And wait. And wait. I wait for 30 minutes sweating, crying, shaking, literally melting down in 2 ways, until I finally realize hubs should have been here way before now. I call again to ask him where he's at and he's AT THE WRONG TARGET ACROSS TOWN. You really don't want to know what I looked like at this point. People were slowing down as they went inside to ask me if I'm okay, is there anything they can do, etc. and all I can do is rattle off words and sounds that sound like I'm speaking in tongues. By now, meeting the realtor's revised time of 12:30 is looking impossible, but hubs shows up, gives me my key, and looks through my purse himself because yes, I carry a giant purse, and he has never trusted it. But I'd ransacked it about 15 times while I melted beside my car so I was positive he wouldn't find them, and I was right. I go racing off to my house, call the realtor to let him know I'm coming, and hubs goes inside the store to do his own search. I'm in the car and you think I lost it before?... think again. I'm fairly certain I had 2 panic attacks at the same time. I was sobbing, unable to catch my breath, shaking so bad and crying so hard I couldn't see or handle my vehicle very well. I get home, still shaking and stuttering, while my realtor is cool as a cucumber. In fact he'd already taken some outside pics, and he's just grooving along while I try to make a coherent sentence. All in all, the walk through went great. Except, towards the end, when we go out back to take pictures, I go to let us back inside, and....I F'ING LOCK US OUT OF THE F'ING HOUSE. I think I whimpered and just banged my head on the backdoor. So yeah. Worst 1 1/2 hrs that I can think of in a loooong time. Oh, and my keys? Hubs found them in the damn curtain rod aisle, on the bottom shelf under some rods I had been looking at. F.M.L. The decision was made to sell our house and move to a neighborhood that feeds into the schools we want our girls to attend. This was a huge decision for us, and the past 7 days we have been scurrying around like mice on speed getting the house staged for showings. My world has been centered around cleaning, sorting, and throwing things away.
We’ve had eleven years together in this house. It was our starter home…our dream come true. This is where we brought our beautiful girls home from the hospital, shared their first birthdays with family and friends, and spent sleepless nights and blissfully happy nights with our little family of four (plus 3 dogs, fish, and 2 guinea pigs). This is where we’ve helped each other grow and learn. As the girls have gotten older, it seems our home has shrunk. There’s not much privacy due to the open layout…a design that drew us in when we bought the house. Add to that the schools changing, and it was time to put the house up for sale. I didn’t think it would bother me that much, but 2 nights ago I found myself sobbing at the thought of letting it go. I knew, but didn’t fully realize, how many memories we’ve made here until I started pulling everything out and making the decision to keep or donate, to throw away or put in storage. Everyone knows I’m a stressball about 75% of the time. This endeavor has sent me over the edge. Sleep is no more, I’m so rattled I’ll forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence, and this is about the best diet you can ask for because I can’t even eat. Yesterday, while we were having new carpet installed and landscaping done, I tripped my breaking point. And guess what happened? My brain shut down. That sounds like a bad thing, but it’s actually not. The worry about money, wondering if the house will sell, the fear of changing H’s environment when she’s entering the awkward pre-teen years, and the timing of moving out of our house and into temporary living until the new one is finished…all of it disappeared. It’s a blessing to just know that we have to do this for the benefit of our girls and accept what we need to do to achieve it. I don’t know if this inner peace will last, but I’m embracing it while it’s here. We have a beautiful future ahead of us. I do believe that. Yes, we are leaving a home that has been filled with more than a decade of memories. But we have a new one where we’ll make many, many more. We have new friendships ahead and a new neighborhood to fall in love with. Most importantly, we have each other. When you think about that, nothing else really matters, does it? Um, wow. That's all I can really say right now. It's been an extremely eventful week. In addition to work basically being a stressed out mess, hubs and I are embarking upon a new adventure, and really guys, I just don't know if I'm cut out for this.
I'm not a born optimist. I like to consider myself a realist, but most people would say I see the negative in most situations. But, I'm not, I promise! I just worry. A lot. And my mind gravitates towards the worst possible outcome so I can prepare myself in case it happens. All I can say is that's a very exhausting, mind numbing, nerve wracking, painful way to live. I can't tell you how many times this week I've resisted the urge to take a handful of Xanax to calm down. But, I have refrained, and instead I feel like the Energizer bunny on crack. I haven't looked forward to, and dreaded, the future like this in a long time. What can I do to convince myself to let go of the fear of what might be and just trust God that everything will turn out as He sees fit? Is it a fear of trust? A desire to have complete control? A little of both? You know that game you play where you turn around, close your eyes, and fall backwards into a person's waiting arms? That is how I picture my relationship with God. It goes against all my instincts to let go of having control and just fall. Deep down I know He'll catch me, but I still panic at the thought of that brief moment of chaos. Each day I accept the challenge to take a deep breath and let go of the knot of worry I carry around. I don't always succeed, but there is always hope. And I have great role models. My husband...my oldest daughter. I look at H and I'm boggled that she has managed to grasp something in her ten years on earth that I've not managed to in 38 1/2 years. I am so proud of her strength and her ability to trust. Sometimes I use her and hubby as a light in the darkness...a light to show me the way towards an inner peace that I'm so much in need of. And as I continue on this seemingly never ending journey, I've acknowledged that sometimes I'll just have to jump and hope for a safe landing. |
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