My Thanksgiving was a nice one. We spent some quality time with family and for all intents and purposes, it was everything Thanksgiving should be. Holiday food, football, cousins who don't get to see much of each other playing together. But I've had my own form of Thanksgiving in my head for the last week.
I'm thankful for many things. My family. As I've said many times before, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, and 2 beautiful girls, both inside and out. I am thankful for their health and happiness. I am thankful that I've had more opportunities to share and teach my girls more about God, and I'm now seeing glimpses of what I've shared in some of their actions. I am thankful that I am gainfully employed and I'm coming up on my 9 year anniversary with my company. I'm good at my job, and one reward to that is getting increased exposure to the upper management folks in the business. I am working more complex contract types and have been assigned to work the Contracts Admin position for one of our company's up and coming programs. I am also thankful that, for the most part, I have co-workers that I really enjoy working with. For those few that have betrayed my trust, I've done pretty well at keeping my mouth closed and taking the high road. . I am thankful for our new house. It's a house full of mysteries, unmade memories (as of yet), and space for love and happiness to grow within its walls. I spent a very long time trying to get here, and I worried most of that time that I never would. I look around within it and I smile and feel warm at the future we will build together. Except, I still have fears over this house. Now that I am here, I'm terrified of losing it. What if I don't take care of and nurture it as it should be, and it begins falling apart? Or, for some reason, it's taken from me? I can't bear that thought. And so I worry. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to experience the November Novel writing challenge. I know, now, that my novel won't be complete in time, and though I'm saddened in one way that I didn't get to finish it, in another way I'm not. I'm in love with the story I'm creating, and because of that fact, I'm taking my time. Relishing each scene I write and falling in love with the characters I've brought to life. Hopefully, if one day I do publish this book, those that read it will be able to feel the emotion I've put into it. Time will tell. I'm thankful for finding my counselor. She has become a huge blessing to me in a very short time. I look forward to my sessions with her and I'm here to tell you that finding someone you can pour your heart out to is rarer than you'd think. I believe God set the stage just right so that we'd find each other. We've talked together, cried together, and she has shared with me her knowledge that I can apply to my struggles. She's a precious gift that I feel God gave to me. I'm thankful that the feelings of self harm have stayed at bay. Even that awful night a week ago, when I felt like everything good in my world had been sucked right out, when I could very well have done something harmful to myself, I didn't. I never even thought about that possibility. I prayed instead. I cried. And I focused on the promises I'd made to fight against those thoughts. I woke up the next morning to find things a bit better. And they've continued to get better each day. Once again I claim victory over "Evil Alison" because of my growing love, and trust, in God. I'm not going lie and tell you that things are all peachy with me. I'm still struggling with sadness. There are things I wish for that I know I'll never have and sometimes the realization of that sucks the air right out of my chest. Wishing is a dangerous thing. It can warp your mind and blind you to seeing what you do have. There are some things I wish for that are probably within my reach, should I decide to take the mental energy I'm using on wishing and turn it into actual hard work towards that goal. For now, I'm locked in a mental debate on which wishes are reachable, and which ones I should just let go of. Making those decisions are key to a happier me. I'm sure of that.
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Forget everything I said yesterday. I was wrong. So, so wrong. All the sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, loneliness.....all of it came crashing in on me today. What was I thinking? There is no cure for this. There is no way out of this hell called mental illness, and I was stupid....crazy....to think there was.
I look around me, and then I turn my eye inward, and I feel such hatred. Mind numbing, aching, stabbing, hatred. Why can't I dig myself out? Will I EVER? Is 2 weeks all I get? I'm guessing it is. And that thought right there is enough to make me want to give up. My writing is going nowhere. And I'm working to accept that. It was stupid to even try. I was stupid to think that blogging would help me work things out. I was stupid and this has all been pointless. I'm taking another break. I don't know for how long, or if I'll return. To those that have stuck with me, reading my rambles, thank you. You've been kind, and I appreciate it. I love to write. It's an escape, an outlet, my passion. So, why is it that I've had such an incredibly hard time focusing on the novel I'm writing for National Novel Writing Month? There are certain scenes that just flow out of me...scenes that are a joy to write. And then there's the others. November 30 is rapidly approaching, and instead of being close to finishing, I'm nowhere near it. No, instead, I keep thinking of more story lines I want to explore, more projects I want to start, and all have different themes, tones, and textures. On one hand I love it. I love being able to escape into different realities and delve into all kinds of topics. But, on the other hand, I have a deadline speeding towards me and my mind is scattered. It has been all week! Will I make my minimum 50,000 words? I don't know. Well, I do know that eventually I'll get there. But this is one story that may just have its own schedule that can't be rushed. I suppose time (10 days!) will tell.
I mentioned this week being a scattered one for me. That's no lie. Yet, scattered does not equal depressed, or angry, or anything negative. Quite the opposite, in fact. What's been exhilarating to me is that normally I find myself without the energy or even desire to do much more than what's necessary to get through a typical day. But this week, I've had energy, I've had laughter, I've left work and arrived home in a good mood that has stuck. It's wonderful. I keep thinking to myself it has to end, because, well, that's what's always happened. But, it's not. My head is finally starting to grasp the fact that living life more happy than not is possible for me. And I'm utterly basking in that thought. The house is slowly coming along. I plan to attempt painting the living room this weekend. I've hung up pictures, continued to unpack boxes, and it's taking shape around me. Have I mentioned how in love I am with this house? It's everything I ever wanted and sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize I'm not dreaming. Honestly, the thrill that I'm feeling right now has me giddy. I can't explain how much counseling and my continued closeness with God has helped change me. There aren't enough words, at least not in my vocabulary, to describe the difference I feel. Not one thought of self harm has entered my mind in 2 weeks. Not a single time have I thought to myself how much my friends, family, and the world would be better without me around. I've had more patience and understanding with those people that in the past had me clenching my teeth together to keep from exploding on them. As time passes, I'm becoming stronger and more confident in my ability to maneuver each day. To some, 2 weeks may not seem very long, and it may sound like I'm jumping the gun on believing something real has changed. But I know what I'm feeling. I know what's changed within me, and I'm more certain than ever that I'm on the right path. I can honestly say that the last 10 days have been the most peaceful I've ever experienced. I wish I could tell you exactly what happened to cause this wonderful shift, but I'm not really sure. Several aspects of my life have changed and I suspect it is some combination of these changes that factor into it.
One such change is my return to talk therapy. I've found an incredible Christian counselor who has been an amazing outlet. I've had two sessions so far, and both visits have left me feeling more certain than ever that this is what I've been missing. She has listened, and sometimes repeated back to me things I've said without even realizing it . When she does this, and I hear it said back to me, I can see the progress I'm making more clearly. I've cried, I've smiled, we've prayed. She's given me insight into why my thought processes follow the path they do, and we've brainstormed coping methods for different scenarios I may face. I continue to look forward to my appointments with her. I'm also still actively, daily, strengthening my relationship with God. This has been key. The more I pray, the more I see small things throughout the day as blessings from Him, the closer I feel to Him. And the happier, calmer, and more peaceful I become. For the first time ever in my life, I prayed for someone who has angered me. My past likely reaction would have been to lash out, ignore, and hold a grudge for the end of time. And despite still having urges to do these things, I very deliberately chose to say a prayer for this person, and to reach out and express concern for their behavior. It didn't get me anywhere with them, but that's okay. I still meant what I prayed for them, and that's all I can do. For those that know me, you know this is huge progress. This past weekend we celebrated my oldest daughter's 11th birthday. We had her party at a local bowling/game facility, and then she had a few friends sleep over. As anyone who knows what any gathering of 2 or more pre-teen girls is like, you can imagine how the slumber party went. Lots of squealing and excitement at first, and then the breaking off into groups and hurt feelings following. In this particular sleepover, it was my daughter that had the hurt feelings. It would seem the other girls were "ignoring her" and spending more time talking with each other. When I did my last check of the upstairs, I found her curled up on the couch, head covered with a blanket, crying. My heart broke for her. It broke because I remember how difficult this age is...and continue to feel like it's worse for girls. I sat down on the floor next to her head and asked what was going on. God, the whole scenario was so familiar to me, despite being 28 years in the past. We talked, and I said all the right things. I told her that it's partly the age she's hitting. I reminded her that neither of these girls knew each other, so the friendship of that night was new, and therefore, possibly more appealing at the moment. I told her stories of my past and that I'd been on both sides of it....I'd been left out and I'd been one to leave others out. But I'd escaped unscathed (for the most part) and she would, too. And then my 11 year old, wise young baby girl, said the following words to me. Words that left me speechless: "Momma, I am the mirror of your past, and you are the mirror of my future." Um, wow. I just stared at her, tears welling up in my eyes. There was so much to that statement that I couldn't even entirely absorb it all right then. In fact, I'm still pondering on it. But I went to bed that night, proud beyond measure of the young woman she's growing into. Today was a good day, though my mind never shut down for a second. It was constantly going, which isn't uncommon for me. What is uncommon is that it's taken me all day to even partly articulate my thoughts, but mostly, they continue to spin. It's taken everything I have to write this much down, and it's not because I'm tired, or angry, or hurting, or depressed. I'm just....thinking. I'm not used to being without words. It's new territory for me. Not bad...just...different. And on that note, I'll say goodnight. Maybe tomorrow words will come easier. Yesterday started like any other Thursday. Alarm went off and the rat race began. Turns out that 6:00-7:45am was the calmest part of my day. Yeah! I know! Who’d of thought that? But it was. Getting the girls ready and out the door for school went like clockwork, and then the universe decided to have some "fun with Alison”.
I had two doctor appointments planned for the morning. One at 8:30am and another at 10:45am. The first appointment was at an existing doctor and I knew exactly where I was going and how long it would take to get there. I arrived on time, barely had a wait, and was in and out in 20 minutes. Boom, boom. Done. I had about 2 hours until my next appointment, this time with a brand new doctor office. On my way back from Doctor #1, I was looking for Doctor #2 so I’d know exactly where it was. Because I’m totally obsessive that way, and can’t stand being lost or being late. It stresses me out. So, I’m driving like one of those people, trying to look for the sign and the building that I’d seen in the picture on their website. I’m sure people were cursing me just like I curse other people who are going kinda slow, braking when they come to an intersection so they can peer at the sign…you know. Anyway, I found the office, made a mental note, and zoomed home to login and get some work done before it was time to leave for the next appointment. I get home, let the dogs outside, refill the water bowl, and head upstairs to log onto my work’s network. I’m all settled in, running through some emails, when all of a sudden I notice Emmy walking into the office to watch me. For a second, I can’t really remember why this seemed odd, but it quickly hit me that I hadn’t let the dogs back inside yet. I go running downstairs, and sure enough, the backdoor is open because one of them, probably O’Neil, had nudged it hard enough to open it. Backdoor is standing wide open, the dogs are chillin’ like it was no big deal, and I take a breath. Now, this hasn’t been the first time they’ve done it, so I wasn’t too freaked out…until I started hearing this really strange, and sorta loud, popping sound. I go deer in the headlights and freeze, glancing around trying to figure out what the hell is making the noise. I kept reassuring myself that it couldn’t be anything too dramatic, or the dogs would have been barking and/or growling, so I felt rather safe in assuming nobody was in the house with me. But the popping sound kept up, and I still haven’t figured out exactly what it is. Hubs says it’s the hardwood floors settling with the cold weather, and I guess this sounds logical, but really, I’m no judge. I’m just going with that explanation because most of the other scenarios I’ve thought about are too unnerving. I close the door, still wondering about the noise, and head back upstairs. I accomplished about 40 minutes of work before I noticed the time and realized I needed to leave for Doctor #2. Getting there was not too much hassle. I did misjudge my turn and ended up driving past it, doing the ‘ole U-turn thing, and finally getting into the parking lot. The doctor visit itself went fine. I was hacking again, sinus pressure, and since I’d tripped on the stairs last week my hips have been super sore, so he checked me over pretty well (get your mind out of the gutter, he was an old dude). I got all diagnosed, meds explained to me, and then they asked if I wanted a flu shot. Sure, why not? I’ve had ‘em before and haven’t had any problems (except for this one time in middle school…). I forgot how much those things hurt. I’m a pro at needles, but damn, does that thing burn like fire. For the record, I can’t move my left arm much today, but that’s beside the point. So, as with most doctors these days, the office sent over my prescriptions to the pharmacy rather than handwriting them. I started my way back towards home and decided to call Target to ensure they’d received the doctor’s request. As I’m talking to one of the pharmacy staff, and only half paying attention to the road, they tell me their fax is down and I need to call the doctor’s office back and have them actually call the prescriptions in. As I am processing this news, I realize something very important. I don’t know where I am. At all. Y’all, Doctor #2 was 2 MILES FROM MY HOUSE, and I’d somehow gotten myself lost. I blame Target. There I am, driving aimlessly around in the backwoods of Mansfield, TX, back on the phone with Doctor #2 trying to make the lady understand what the pharmacy’s instructions were, and I’m starting to get super frustrated. My nurse had already left for the day so they were having a different nurse re-do my meds, I’m driving around trying to work my GPS, WHICH, by the way, only allows you to type on it when the vehicle is not in motion (and our address doesn’t show up yet on GPS anyway), and I can feel the panic starting to set in because I had planned to already be back home and working by now. I ask you….who leaves for the day at 11:30am in a doctor’s office? Who stays silent when their fax doesn’t go through to a pharmacy? AND WHO GETS LOST 2 FREAKIN’ MILES FROM THEIR HOUSE? Yes, these are the questions flying around in my head (along with a lot of “Mother bitch’s”, “Shits”, and “FU**s”), BUT, instead of letting the panic take over, I decided to see the humor in it all and called a friend to share my situation with. We both laughed, I finally found a road that looked like something I’d seen before, and I headed towards home. I get back to the House of Random, Weird, and Loud Popping Noises and the system has logged me off our network, so I re-login. I try to work on a few things, but VPN is acting fritzy, and I get booted about every 20 minutes or so. I’m really irritated by this, because I have to take vacation or sick time for any hours that I don’t work productively, which turned out to be practically the whole day. I spent the next few hours working and trying re-connect intermittently until I just finally gave up. The rest of the afternoon is where it all really started going downhill. I received the text messages that my drugs are ready to be picked up, so I schlepp up to Target to grab them. Since I wasn’t accomplishing much at home, and I was already out, I decided to run by Big Lots. I love Big Lots. It’s like a bizarre little haven for me. Did you know they have Fringe on DVD for $8 each season? They do. Go ahead and do a freak out dance of excitement if you need to. I did, and felt no shame. I did spend FAR too much money, and had to really rein myself in looking at Christmas stuff, but I managed. Now this is where I need to catch you up on a few things. A few days ago, L decided to practice her handwriting on the wall. In blue crayon. She wrote her name and her sister’s name right next to the door of her room. When I regained my composure, I asked her why she did it, and she just shrugged and said, “I was bored”. You were bor….WHAT? You were bored so you decided that writing on the wall in blue crayon in our BRAND NEW HOUSE was the only thing that could shake it? Sometimes I just really don’t understand the mind of children. The next event you need to know about is that Emmy the Terror has had one of H’s old Beanie Baby tigers as a chew toy for the last few weeks. It seemed like a good idea at the time. However, not too long ago she got a little rough with Glamour (that was her name and, no, we did not name her, so no judgment) and ripped open the stomach. I’m guessing it was thousands of “beanies” that came pouring out. Do you know what the inside of Beanie Babies look like? I do. They are tiny, little, itty bitty, microscopic, clear-ish white “beans”. When it first happened, I was sure we’d gotten most of them picked up, but dude….these guys are like Gremlins. Or Replicators for you Stargate SG-1 fans. They just keep multiplying! Now they’re buried so deep in the fibers that you have to run your hand back and forth over the carpet to kick them up to the surface so you can see them. I’ve been doing this on the same 5x5 area of carpet for 4 days now, and I have pulled out a handful each and every time. No, vacuuming doesn’t work. All that does is kick them out behind you and scatters them in an even larger perimeter, which isn’t helpful when you’re trying to contain the area to the location of the incident. Ok, so you had to know these two little tidbits to understand WHY I was on the floor in the first place, and why my mood was already starting to fray a little bit around the edges. I’m crawling around on my hands and knees searching for beanies, totally eye level with L’s handwriting sample, and I catch a whiff of pee. In.My.Carpet. I didn’t even have to stop and think about which dog was the culprit. I think every person in the world knows which dog was the culprit. So, I get out the Spot Bot and start its cycle to work on the spot. It only takes a few minutes, so I just continued picking up beanies while it did its thing. When it finished, and as I was unplugging it and wrapping up the cord, I turn around and Emmy is squatting and peeing not 2 feet away from me. The yelling and flapping of arms must have given the impression to the dogs that it was “Fun Playtime with Mom” and rather than Emmy being even a little bit remorseful, she and the other 2 dogs think this is the grandest of times to go running around like maniacs barking and being utter spaz’s. I finally herded them downstairs and outside, and then went back up to clean the mess. I very distinctly remember thinking I needed to check the solution tank to see how much was left before I started. I had just enough. When it finished, the cleaning solution tank was empty and it was time to dump the dirty water. Now, guys. This is where everything went to hell in a hand basket. I have emptied this machine, like, ten times. I know what to do. But my brain decided it was on vacation yesterday, and without even thinking, I go to grab the dirty water tank and rapidly flip it upside down to avoid anything from spilling out. Except this the exact opposite of what you should do, and I very violently FLUNG DIRTY, FILTHY, PEE WATER all over my jeans, my sweatshirt, the floor I’d just cleaned, parts of the floor that had been perfectly fine 5 minutes before, and the girl’s bathroom tile. There are no words. No words, y’all. I stood there for a minute, trying to figure out what I should do first. Strip in the hallway to get the DIRTY, FILTHY, PEE WATER off myself as fast as possible, run for towels to throw on the floor to get the DIRTY, FILTHY, PEE WATER out of the carpet as fast as possible, or just stand there and scream dirty, filthy, curse words until I felt better? This is where H got home from school and proceeded to laugh hysterically until she almost peed her pants. This is also where a friend arrived for our planned dinner and movie night and SHE lost her composure laughing. I was not laughing. I was IN.A.STATE. But. She saw I was not even capable of thinking rationally right then, took pity on me, and helped me clean everything up. There was another incident later that evening involving carpet, cherry red colored cough syrup, and me yelling for help again, but I’m just going to leave it at that because I really don’t need to further expose my idiocy. The night ended with me asleep on the floor of the media room. I was tired, y’all. Moral of the story? Keep lots of crafts on hand for bored children, don’t give a beanie baby to your dog as a chew toy, don’t talk on the phone and drive at the same time (even if it’s hands free!), and learn to live with pee. ‘Cause there’s lots of it at my house. I had hoped. Deep down, way down, I had hoped there was a strong, confident, and happy woman buried inside. This past weekend, I found her. She was right there, waiting for a chance to shine through and show me there was much more to life than what I’ve allowed myself to feel. I had the most incredible two days with my husband, my daughters, family, and friends. It was an amazing feeling. I smiled – REAL smiles! – I laughed, I snarked, and I played. I don’t know what prompted it other than I allowed myself to feel the love and the friendship that surrounds me. I didn’t feel undeserving, not even once. How incredible is that? I've found that the more I pray and lean on God, the more light He shines on my path. It’s true. As I write this, I am crying tears of relief, of joy, and peace. It’s a beautifully safe feeling.
I was very much anticipating feeling like "Depressed Alison" when I woke up this morning. The Monday after your delightful birthday weekend? Of course I was going to be depressed! Except, I wasn’t. I woke up very tired, yes, but the happiness…the light and airy feeling….was still with me. And it stayed with me most of the work day. I say most of the work day, because the ending of it was terrible. Truly awful. It was something that would normally have me searching for the nearest sharp object I could find and inflicting stinging, burning pain to numb the awfulness of it. But, do you know what? As mad as I was, as sad and angry and just awful feeling as I was, I did NOT have one tiny thought of harming myself. It never even crossed my mind. This is a huge victory! Not only did I not feel that desire to hurt, I made an appointment with a Christian counselor. Tomorrow, I will be telling my story to yet another stranger, except this time I’m ready. Am I scared? Yes. I’m still scared of re-telling the past, answering uncomfortable questions, and digging around the recesses of my mind. But after the carefree weekend I just experienced I’m determined to feel that way most days. I want to use all the tools that are available to me to keep the darkness at bay permanently. So, in a nutshell, yes, I’m ready. I’m leaning on God, handing Him the reins, and allowing Him to lead. And I think it’s because somewhere inside I finally decided it was time for me to let go. I don’t know why it took me so long, or why the road was so bumpy and difficult to even get to this decision, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I reached it. I dug really deep and found the woman I know I can be. I’ve experienced so many emotions today. From really good all the way to really bad. A couple of my close friends have established a scaling system that I have to rate how I’m feeling from day to day. And today I ranged all the way from a 6 to a 2. That’s a pretty powerful illustration of how drastic my mood changes can be even in a single day.
I’m going to start with the good. I had a very happy morning with my girls getting them ready and out the door for school. Normally, mornings are a challenge because they are usually fighting with each other or arguing and talking back to me. But, this morning was harmonious, and it really set my day for starting off good. That good lasted until early afternoon, and my mood started plummeting. It seems to do that about the same time every day, and I finally reached a conclusion as to why that is. The bad. Mornings are very hectic for me, so my mind is pretty occupied. I’m doing the race to get the girls ready, race to get them off to school, and then the race to get to work as fast as I can so I’m not TOO late. Once I reach work, there is a race to get settled in and start reading through emails checking for any fires that need to be put out. This will get me through lunchtime. Once lunch and early afternoon hit, I lose the chaotic feeling and that is when the dark thoughts hit me pretty hard. Today was especially gloomy because of the rain. I sit next to the windows, so I can see and hear it all day long, and unless you’re home snuggled up watching a movie or reading a book, it can really bring your mood down (or at least it does mine). I also had a few unsettling conversations today, ones that had me battling on the inside….things like “What do I say?”, “Do I dare share this?”, etc. So, I basically held my tongue, and now I’m fighting the urge to withdraw further, build my walls even higher, and march forward. At the rate I’m going, I’ll probably only have a few people left that I can talk to. But the self-protective part of me insists this is the safest route. So, I mentioned some exciting news in a previous post, and although I’m not going to share yet what that is, I have something else that I’m enthusiastic about. Did you know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)? It is. And I’ve signed up on this great website www.nanowrimo.org and committed to writing a 50,000-word rough draft of a novel by 11:59pm on November 30. This seems to be an outstanding chance to write, connect with other aspiring novelists, and get the creative juices flowing. I know a person who is now a published author, and it started with this event. I can’t begin to describe how excited I am about this, but I’m also aware that it’s going to be a challenge. However, it’s a challenge that I’m wholeheartedly throwing myself into. Writing is my passion, my comfort, and makes me whole. So, really, not participating now that I know about this is not an option. Today, I’m trying to focus on celebrating a renewed connection with a friend, having a wonderful evening with family movie night (Maleficent!!), and continuing to enjoy my desire to work on the house. I’m refusing to think about the negative things that are hovering around the edges of my mind. They are there, but I will tackle them another day. This past week has been both a challenge and a blessing to me. I ended my Saturday night very tired, sick with a sinus infection, yet somewhat content. I wouldn’t have thought my weekend would start this way, considering the storm of anger and hurt I was feeling earlier in the week. Those feelings are still there, but I put so much energy into this weekend I haven’t had the time…or the desire…to think about what has me so upset. I’m just thankful that I had the chance to enjoy a wonderful Halloween with my girls and a splendid weekend with my hubs. Both have been like a soothing balm to my stinging soul.
While in the car yesterday, hubs and I were discussing my upcoming birthday and my very, very Scorpio personality. In fun, we looked up Zodiac traits of the Scorpio, and oh my! It described me to a T. Even though I don’t really put much stock into Astrology and how the stars’ alignment dictate my personality, it’s still interesting to read about and discuss with others. But, I felt an almost physical pang as I read what was, in fact, a perfect description of me. Hubs was laughing because he often says I’m “difficult” and the internet said the exact same thing. I know I’m complex, and yes, at times, difficult. It’s how I’m made. But, it seems I’m too difficult for some, and that is why I felt that pang. I’ve lost friendships because of this trait. It makes me sad. And mad. Mad because I swore I wasn’t going to change who I am for the benefit of others, and while it seemed like an admirable plan at the time , it’s had its downfalls. It’s left me wide open for disappointment and hurt, neither of which are easy for me to handle. The Alison of old is in effect, and I intend to keep it that way. I’ve surrounded myself with aloofness, so as to keep others at a distance, and I’ve reassessed the friendships I’ve retained, looking for any sign that I may be disappointed again. Despite how somber that sounds, most people don’t know. I’ve disguised it well, and what everyone, with few exceptions, sees is a laughing, lighthearted, somewhat crazy chick. I keep hoping that the longer I keep my disguise in place, the more I’ll start to believe it, and actually transform into that carefree soul. I do have good news, though. I’ve begun working on my book again, and it feels so good to want to write. My writer’s block is gone, and the words are flowing freely. It makes me happy to escape into a world of my creation, where I can spin the story any way I want. And on another note, I have a very exciting possibility ahead of me, and though I can’t talk about it yet, it is an incredible opportunity. As I work towards it, and I know more answers, I’ll be excited to share more. This weekend I actually had the energy and desire to work on the house. Hubs and I spent almost the entire day Saturday painting the media room. It’s gorgeous. We painted every surface, ceiling included, so that it’ll be dark as night with the lights off. Today, he installed the screen, projector, hooked up the surround sound, and tomorrow our seating is being delivered! This room has been one of the more exciting things about the house, and Tuesday, when Maleficent comes out, we are watching it on the big screen. It’s my new favorite movie, and I can’t wait! Tomorrow a new weeks starts, and I wish I could say I’m happy about it. Or even okay with it. But, truthfully, I dread it. I feel more vulnerable at work. Satan has been working on my mind again, telling me lies, and I’ve been weak and listened to him. 30+ years of believing what he’s whispered to me is a hard, hard habit to break. I start feeling even one ounce of negativity towards myself, and it snowballs in minutes. Right now, he’s telling me how worthless I am, and that’s all I can think about right now. So many times this past week I thought, for the millionth time, about ending it all. I imagine driving off an overpass, running my car into a lamppost at 60mph, or taking the sharpest knife we own and making sure I bleed out. Morbid thoughts, I know. But strangely comforting, too. I almost don’t want to fight against it, because fighting takes effort and energy and strength. And I’m running out of all 3. The first time I ever attempted anything was on my 21st birthday. I often wonder why I wasn’t successful that time. In less than a week, I turn 39. I’m curious how that day will play out. |
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