For a time, my depression and anxiety took over. I checked out for a few months, wondering if what I am trying to do is insane. Mad. Stupid. I was positive I was helping no one and I'd made a huge mistake trying to follow my dream to be a writer and blogger.
But encouragement found me, from a few different sources, and I'm back. Back in my head, back in my heart, and back in the game. While I've been silent, I've been diligently working on my new website and getting my new book prepared for publication. My first novel was picked up by a publisher, and as exciting as that is, it's been a huge waiting game so far. Which I have since discovered is normal when being traditionally published. I'm on the calendar for it's release in the Fall of 2017, and the madness of getting it ready to go will start around April next year. But in the meantime, I started a YA series, took a class on self-publishing, and I've decided to commit 100% to self-publishing it. Hence, the new website, FB page, Instagram page, etc. If if you are interested in keeping up with my comings and goings, and want to stay in the loop on my writing projects, please visit my author website, www.alisonlperry.com. There you can subscribe to my newsletter, continue to read blog posts about my ever continuing journey, and learn about what I'm doing now and my plans for the future. You can also follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/AlisonLPerryAuthor. Book one of my YA series will be published in early January and I can't be more thrilled about it!
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"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." What crap. Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, all you can do is make a really sour face. Or throw them at someone.
I've tried and failed. Failed so hard you can see the giant red F on my forehead. Even if there was a massive grading curve, I'd still be failing. All I wanted to do with this blog was inspire others. Give voice to a silent illness that destroys lives, and maybe shed a little light on what the struggle is like. I have no idea if I've been successful with that. What I do know is that I've failed at inspiring myself. Over the years, I've documented my ups and downs for you, and I'm glad I did. I don't regret it. But I regret who I am. I regret that as hard as I've worked to better myself, I still feel this way today. Hopeless. Because years of medication, therapy, and prayer have gotten me exactly nowhere. I'm as lost as I was twenty years ago. I'm angry. I'm sad. But more than anything, I'm empty. I don't see the point of blogging anymore, because I don't have any good news for you, and I don't have anymore advice to offer. Thank you to those who've stuck with me through the years. I love ya'll for it. This summer has been one of challenges and growth. I've deliberately not posted anything until now because I wanted some space from spewing my thoughts and feelings into words. That's a curious thing for a writer to say. But it was necessary for so many reasons.
As far as summers go, this one was the hardest I can remember. It's the first time I've ever been a stay- at-home mom, which I had forgotten meant I had the responsibility of providing entertainment and plans for the kiddos to occupy the hours. I'm afraid I didn't do the best job at that part, and I worry that somehow I've caused harm for not filling their days with back to back activities and distractions. But every time I think that way, I try to remind myself that it's actually good for them to occupy themselves at times. In one of my sessions, my therapist told me that giving kids room to fight their own boredom by themselves teaches them to be creative. It also teaches them how to be okay being alone. I know adults who panic at the thought of having to spend time by themselves…they must have their hours packed with activities, meetings, plans of all kinds, because they don't know how to be alone. I'm not advocating shutting out the world and living like a hermit, but I do believe it's good to be comfortable enough with yourself that being alone doesn't create anxiety. This was also a hard few months because my youngest had some physical problems that we needed to work through. She's okay, but it was a trying time. Luckily, we have a wonderful pediatrician that I trust implicitly, and she got us through it. But along with the physical struggles, some new emotional ones came along. I was not prepared for some of the absolute heart-wrenching conversations L and I had. So many tears were shed between us. And it's in these conversations that I began to suspect my youngest baby is more like me than I'd like to admit. Anxiety can be crippling. It robs you of your peace of mind, it rips your self-confidence to shreds, and it takes a terrible toll on the body. I've prayed over and over that she hears me when I teach her that when we are anxious, we should lay our burdens and fears on God's shoulders. I've tried to impart to her that when we learn to lean on God, to trust Him fully, inner peace is possible. It's something I still struggle with, even now. But I know it to be the truth, because I've glimpsed it and felt flashes of it myself. When I force myself to let go of the reins, to turn my worries over to Him, I've felt the peace that my soul craves. But it's something I have to learn to do every time. It's not automatic for me yet. There's a stubbornness inside me that holds onto the control like a toddler does with a piece of candy. It holds on tight. So I've been watching her and worrying. Praying constantly. If she is like me, I know the rough road ahead of her. It makes me cry and it makes me angry. Nothing will ever come easy for her. She'll learn to be a smartass to cover her insecurities. She'll put up walls and make people fight to really break through them. I don't want that for her. I want better. I want easier. She has a beautiful little soul, shining so brilliantly that it nearly blinds me. I don't want that brilliance to be shuttered, especially by her own mind. I will fight tooth and nail to help her learn early what it's taken me a lifetime (and still going) to figure out. Despite everything, we managed to end the summer with a wonderful vacation at Panama City Beach, FL. We made memories that I know all of us will carry in our hearts forever. It was essentially L's first time at a beach, since she has no memories of the time we visited Port Aransas, TX when she was two. And she fell in love. As it does with me, the ocean called her name. The long expanse of white sand beckoned to her to be searched for shells. We wrote our names and buried her in the sand. We watched tiny crabs at night as they ran across the sand in the gleam of our flashlights. We wondered about the sea turtle nest that had been blocked off so as not to be disturbed, and hoped aloud we'd get to see them hatch (we didn't, L). We twirled in the sand as the moon shone down on us, and we watched lightning on the horizon as a storm blew in. She felt the magic, every bit of it, and cried when it was time to say goodbye. I cried with her. I also cried when we got home from being gone 10 days and discovered Emmy the Terror had eaten the couch. Not just one cushion, not just two…but all three cushions. I suppose I should just be grateful it wasn't the floor this time. So, now, here we are. School has started. The rat race begun. Morning chaos consumes us as we race to get everything bought (why are teachers still adding things required for class?), and checks written for PTA, school spirit shirts, choir uniforms, gym clothes. Evening chaos also runs rampant as we attend parent meetings, complete homework (even parents had homework, WTF?!?), and settle into a routine again. My phone is now crowded with school apps to check for pictures, teacher updates, grades, upcoming events, and "don't forgets!" My favorite time of year is approaching. Cooler weather, football, fall scents. Pumpkin everything. Halloween candy is already in the stores and I've begun Christmas shopping. I'm absolutely determined to get it done by the first week in December. I say it every year, but this year will be the one I do it. Goals! Speaking of goals, my writing has picked up and I'm targeting the end of November for my next book to be complete. It's been a lot of fun to write and I'm excited to get it out there. I'm also working on book 2 of my House of Kesteel series, along with a couple of other projects. I'm glad I took a pause the last few months. It was much needed time to re-charge and re-focus. I feel prepared for the new school year and everything that comes along with it. Which means I'm probably not prepared at all. Ha! I've had this post written in my head for weeks, but every time I sat down to put it on paper, something else would happen to stop me. A mixture of good and bad, highs and lows, have kept me on my toes. (Ha! Unintentional rhyme right there. I'm going to keep it there just because it amuses me.) But, now I have the time, and more importantly, the energy to write it all out.
I have huge, exciting news to share! I had two publishers respond to queries I sent out in early March, and both wanted to publish my book! I chose one to pursue negotiations with, and signed the contract on May 31st. I left my job last October with this exact goal in mind, and I'm thrilled to say I've achieved it. I honestly believe once you set your mind on something, you can accomplish it. It doesn't matter how far fetched it may seem. If you can dream it, you can do it. You just have to be motivated, believe in yourself, be willing to work your ass off, and most importantly, never give up. Even in your darkest moments of self-doubt, remind yourself why you want your dream. It's okay to allow yourself to set it aside for a few days, or even a couple of weeks, but don't let it go permanently. Rejuvenate your body and mind, and then go back to it. I'm living proof it can be done. And, guys, this was just my first step. I have so many goals and plans laid out for myself. The best part is, I know I'll do it. For the first time in my life, I have confidence in myself. I'm daring to dream bigger than ever before, and I'm super excited about the journey ahead. I attended a weeklong writer's conference…well, really it's an academy….and came away from it with new friends and a stronger outlook for the future. While there, I was incredibly honored to meet and have private discussions with two best-selling authors: Bethany Claire, a USA Today Bestselling Author, and Jodi Thomas, a New York Times Bestselling Author. The insight I gained from talking with them changed my life. And it wasn't just them! I met wonderful people in my class that each touched me in different ways, and I'm certain I can say that I'm a better person because of the entire experience. I came home with far more wisdom, tools, and information than I'd thought possible. But, as exciting as the past month has been, there have also been tears, sadness, and anger… which are the ultimate proof that depression is not something that can be controlled, or cured, by outside circumstances. My life on paper is near perfect. I'm loved, healthy, and pursuing my passion. Someone reading it, who knew nothing about me, would assume I'm the happiest person in the world. Yet, I've had days…recent days…where dragging myself out of bed is unthinkable. Forcing myself to go upstairs to my office, to do what I love the most, impossible. I was recently reminded of just how sneaky this illness can be. Someone in my life, someone with a bright future and so much to offer this world, nearly succeeded in committing suicide. I never suspected, never had even an inkling, that it was a possibility. Ironic, isn't it? I've been diagnosed, medically treated, hospitalized twice for my own attempts, and spent hours in therapy, yet I was still just as shocked as someone with no experience with this illness would be when I heard. It makes me so angry. My insides get twisted up in knots of pure rage and exhaustion when I think about how damn hard it is living with this - to be fine one day, and then wish for nothing more than death the next. I hurt for every person out there suffering. I hurt for myself. I pray for all of us. You've heard it a thousand times, but it's the truth. Life is short. Every day is a gamble, an unknown future of potential and possibility. I'm learning to live in the moment and #bepresent because that's the only thing guaranteed. Hug your loved ones, laugh when you can, and find the silver lining wherever possible. Look for your own yes, wherever and whatever that may be. And when you find it….be thankful and hang on tight. I have to admit, being an author has its ups and downs, though, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It took me a long time getting here, but I'm finally right where I want to be, doing what I love. I don't think there are many people who can say that and truly mean it, although, I wish it were possible for everyone. Don't you think the world would be a much happier place and people would treat each other with more compassion and respect if everyone was doing something that really spoke to their heart, rather than doing a job, any job, that pays the bills? I know life doesn't work that way, but really, though, it's kind of a wonderful thought.
So, as most know, I self-published my first book, and I'm now working on two more projects. I was so excited to wake up yesterday morning with an email in my inbox telling me my interview in the online magazine, Silverlight Café, was published! And then right after that email, another one with even more exciting news. I've always believed the things you want for your life come to you when you are least expecting it…when you've stopped trying so hard. Anyway, I was feeling a lag in my motivation the past couple of weeks. I was fighting some serious writers block and was in the beginning of a depressive episode. Honestly, it was a combination of not taking my meds on schedule, or even skipping them, and not getting enough sleep. Not a good thing to do when you're already frustrated. But, the moment I read those two emails, I felt a wave of sunshine wash over me, and I've been running full steam ahead since. I'm re-energized, motivated, and excited about what I'm doing. I just wanted to write all this out and share it with you. And also say this: If you ever get the opportunity to step outside your comfort zone, your safety net, and follow your dream (whatever that may be), do it. You won't regret it. The bills, family's schedules, and all of the other reasons you tell yourself you can't do it, will get sorted out. And believe me when I say if I can do it, if I could let go of my fear about giving up a steady paycheck, YOU can do it. At the end of the day, the joy you feel at doing what you want to do, will bring about a peace inside you that can't be quantified. And all the rest just has a way of working out. I want to thank those who never stopped believing in me and for putting up with me through the highs and lows. You precious people are my inspiration and I love you all. If you'd like to read my interview in the Silverlight Café Magazine, I've provided the link below. I'm on page 26-27, but the entire publication is a great read! Thank you!! http://media.wix.com/ugd/b199bc_ce61f5167f3a48499278cbd4f0f8c34e.pdf I haven't posted in a while, but life got real for a bit, and I had to go at it head-on in order to handle it. Now that I've wrestled it back into place, or at least in a semi-submissive state, I thought I'd share some serious, and some not so serious, things I've learned lately:
1. If you have a dog that likes to dig holes in the yard, it's probably a good idea to fill them back in. 'Cuz if you don't, and if you're walking outside with your dogs who are acting like hooligans, and if they come barreling at you and knock you off balance, and if you accidentally step into a deep hole and twist your knee while falling, you miiiight end up with a re-torn meniscus, which is very bad. So fill in the damn holes and give your dogs doggie Xanax (j/k on the Xanax part unless your vet gave them to you because your dog is a spaz.) 2. Get your vehicle registration renewed when you're supposed to. Because tickets. 3. Maybe naming your kids with similar endings to their names isn't the best idea ever. 'Cuz when you turn 40 and your mind starts to go, the -ly is just gonna trip you up and you'll be forever calling them by the other's name. Sorry kids. 4. Stop expecting your house to stay clean until all animals are dead and kids are moved out. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment, otherwise. 5. If your garbage disposal sounds like it's chewing on metal, don't keep turning it on thinking it'll work its way out. 'Cuz it could be the "best friends" necklace your daughter set too close to the sink, which then later mysteriously disappeared. 6. Don't even try to keep up with your daughter's 12 year old friends because it will only drive you nuts…they change daily. 7. Bookmark EVERYTHING! 'Cuz even though you think you'll remember that website, you won't. 8. It's okay if you make your husband buy Mortal Kombat XL so you can relive your glory days. And because it's totally satisfying throwing a fan blade into your opponent's face. Kitana FTW. 9. Don't beat yourself up if you steal your kid's stuffed emoji from her Happy Meal. Chances are you appreciate it much more than her, anyway. 10. When you find something that works, buy it ALL. Especially when it's Tiger Balm patches at Dollar General. Best pain relief ever. 11. Last, but most importantly, listening to your children's stories, fears, and worries, as they grow up really does pay off. 'Cuz when they come to you for things like dealing with bullying at school, or making the most important decision of their life - choosing to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior - you'll be so thankful, happy, and downright honored that they are letting you into their world and asking you to be an active participant. There are pet peeves, and then there are pet peeves. You know the difference. I'm going to talk about the mother of them all, especially for someone who deals with an anxiety disorder. You ready? Telling someone they are overreacting.
Now, I'll admit that I border on OCD and have a tendency to worry a lot. But that's what people with anxiety disorders do. They worry, and whether or not you agree with whatever is stressing them doesn't make it any less real. So, when you come be-boppin' along and tell them they are being silly, or they just need to relax, or, God forbid, you actually use the word overreact, all that's probably going to do is shoot them into the stratosphere in an angst-filled wad of pissed off. Why not save everyone the bother…and the angry exchange of un-pleasantries you've likely evoked…and just offer support. You can tell them you understand they are struggling with _____, and you'll do whatever you can to help them through it. Or give them a hug and buy them a Dr. Pepper. Something that says, "Hey, I know you have this issue, and it's very real to you, and I may not get it, but I love you and want you to feel better." And if you can't do that, then just don't say anything at all! Three years ago this month, I decided to come out of my shell and start talking about the mental health struggles that I, along with millions of other people, deal with on a daily… no, hourly… basis. I wrote that first blog piece not knowing if a single person would ever read it, but I knew I had to write it because that’s what my soul craves. I write. Sometimes it’s really heavy stuff and other times it’s random ramblings and funny stories that cross my mind. I was terrified when I hit the publish button on that first post. Terrified because, for better or worse, I was out there; which is an extremely vulnerable position to be in. Being out there means you’ve opened yourself up to be judged. And judged you are. It’s human nature. I’ve gone up and down these last three years, and I’ve documented every high and low right here. I did it because I hoped that someday my words would reach someone who needs to hear them and, fingers crossed, feel better because of them. There were times where I was certain that I would not make it another day. Times when I felt completely alone and isolated, and others when I couldn’t make myself sit up and take that one crucial step to get me out of bed. When cutting and starving myself were coping mechanisms. When I put up so many walls not even my husband or kiddos could get through. Hospitals, therapy, medication….all three have been part of my life these last 3 years. Through all of it, though, one thing stayed the same. When I hit those incredibly low lows, the only thing that filtered through to me was the insatiable need to write it out. Write, write, write. It has been such a release for me. And, I truly hope, a help to someone out there. I’ve talked a lot about this past summer and the life-changing months afterward that bring me to today. Getting the right help, connecting with my therapist, finally being ready to accept my part in my treatment – all of these were crucial pieces of my recovery. I am such a different person in the best ways possible. Sure, I still have rough days. But it’s a day, or maybe two. Not weeks or months. I’ve been on a journey to find myself, who I truly am at the core, and accept her and love her. I’ve learned how to be kind to myself, which was hard at first. I left a job that I’d brainwashed myself into thinking I couldn’t live without. I became a stay-at-home mom and got active in my daughters’ lives. I learned what I do and don’t like, and I’ve stopped apologizing for both. And here I am…not only am I celebrating my blog’s three-year birthday, but I’m celebrating the fact that I am living my dream. I can actually say that! Writing. It has always been such a joy to me. Sitting down and staring at a blank page is exciting because I know it’s the beginning of some kind of adventure. I used to never like adventure (outside of words on paper) because I was too scared. Of what, you ask? Being judged. Oh, that terrible J word. But, I’ve learned that judgement is okay. It won’t hurt you, unless you let it. In fact, it can be a real motivator. It motivated me. Because of it, I decided it was time to take a leap of faith, and grab onto the biggest adventure I could think of. I wrote a novel. And then I let people read it. And then I hired someone to professionally edit and critique it. And then I started sending it out to agents and publishing houses, and THEN, I decided while I waited to see what unfolded from that, I’d go ahead and publish it myself. Yeah. And people are buying my book, and all of a sudden….I’m a paid author. I’m Living My Dream! Three years ago I would have laughed at you if you told me I’d be here today, doing what I love, being with the ones I love, and loving life. But it’s no laughing matter. This is real. This is so real. And because I’ve found my way here, I wanted to share this with you, too. I want to tell anyone reading this who may be in a very low place right now – in that ugly, deep, dark pit – that it’s not over. Anything’s possible. That’s what they told us when we were kids. They said, “You can be anything you want to be” and “The only thing stopping you is you.” I heard these words often as a child and I believed them before the jaded cynicism of puberty and the teenage years took over my brain. But I’m here, right now— having been on suicide watch in a hospital, bearing scars on my body from knives and screwdrivers, having spent days in bed with nothing but a blank wall in front of me—telling you that they were right. You really can do and be anything you want to be. It’s hard work. It’s scary. And, sometimes, it’s lonely. But it’s possible, and I guess I just want the world to know it. I want YOU to know it. P.S. If you're interested (and I hope you are!), my book is on Amazon and I priced it at $.99 so it would be affordable. Hopefully people will take a chance on it. It seems to be working. If you happen to like vampires, witches, and things that go bump in the night, suspense and intrigue, romance,and maybe even a little sexy bedroom action, you might want to check it out. It was fun to write and it’s definitely fun to read. Right now it’s only on Kindle, but I’m working on getting it on the rest of the eReader platforms and a Print On Demand version for those that prefer a “real book” (like me). http://www.amazon.com/House-Kesteel-Everlyns-Fire-ebook/dp/B01D549FL2/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458830228&sr=1-1&keywords=the+house+of+kesteel Victories come in big and small packages. They can be hard fought and won; or, they can hit you out of nowhere and leave you wondering, “When the hell did that happen?” I’ve had a couple of victories recently and I’m going to share them here because I think not only will it possibly inspire others to see the small victories in their own life, but it helps me account for my own so I can remind myself of them when I feel like giving up.
First, I have to confess something. I might have mentioned it in a previous post, but in case I haven’t, here it is: I am terrified of rejection. It’s something that normally cripples me, and in the past I’ve gone out of my way to avoid situations where I may be judged and found lacking. Maybe it’s just my personality, or maybe it’s because I suffer from depression, but it’s extremely hard for me to not take rejection personally. However, a little over a month ago, I made a conscious decision to push my fear to the side and really put myself “out there.” I wrote a novel, which is a victory in and of itself. But, because I believe in this story so much, before I go the self-publishing route, I made the decision to send queries out to literary agents pitching my manuscript. It’s a mentally exhausting process because so much effort goes into a single one-page letter that is designed, if written well enough, to make an agent want to read your work. Rejection is part of this business, and I get that. Believe me, I’ve received quite a few already. But, guess what? I haven’t let that stop me. I’m continuing to send my letters out, and I’m convinced that the right person— someone who believes in me and is willing to take a chance on this story—is out there. My hubs said it best, just a few days ago, when I was having a low moment. He said, “Alison, you may get hundreds of rejections. But all it takes is one yes.” He’s right. I just have to find my “yes” and I won’t stop until I do. My second victory is much smaller, yet in some ways, it’s huge, and it needs a little bit of explanation, too. I have a phobia of throwing up. In my entire 40 years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done it. Trust me, I am a master at holding it in and just being miserable, rather than getting it out and feeling better. I’ve always been totally amazed at pregnant women who suffer with morning sickness like it’s no big deal. For me, if I throw up, the world is ending. So, with all that being said, I’ve never handled it well when my kiddos have a stomach bug. I turn into the biggest stressball you’ve ever seen. Hubs normally has to deal with it, because I just can’t stay calm, and I end up freaking the girls out more than they already are. But then this weekend happened. We were at a friend’s house for a party, and a few hours into it, L got sick. Everywhere. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had her in the bathroom, talking to her calmly, splashing water on the back of her neck, vomit all over me, her, the floor, the wall, the door…and I was cool as a cucumber. Not once did the thought of “What if I get sick?” cross my mind. I just knew she needed me. After a bit, I had hubs take her home (we live 3 doors down) to get her cleaned up, while I stayed and cleaned up there. When I did make it home, L was in the bathroom getting sick again, and I still did not lose my cool! Guys! I was like a real mom in a crisis! I ended up making both of us pallets on the bathroom floor so we could be near the toilet if she still needed it during the night, and it wasn’t until I was watching her sleep that I realized I still wasn’t worried about catching something, or cleaning anything up, or well, anything. Victory! Some of you may be shaking your head like “Really? You call this a victory? That’s just being a mom.” But, I assure you, for me…for this kind of illness…it’s huge. What’s changed? Why am I suddenly able to cope with things that would have sent me into a panic attack a year ago? Many things are different now. I’m a stay at home mom, for one, and that alone has lowered my anxiety levels in countless ways. We’ve learned to cut corners while I pursue my writing dream, and we haven’t come even remotely close to not being able to pay anything. So, the fear of living under a bridge is gone, too, because I know we can and will figure things out if it ever becomes necessary. :) I have patience, energy, and dare I say it…confidence. And I’m not the only one noticing it. My daughters have made comments, given me compliments, on how much happier I seem. Victory? Hell yes. |
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July 2019
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