I haven't written. Not only on this blog, but anything. At all. I haven't even tried in the last almost 3 months. Until now. As much as I would love to say it's because I've been too busy, it's not. Or that I have too many ideas and can't decide which way to go, but I don't.
The truth? I'm just empty. God, I hate life most of the time. It's exhausting and stressful. It's depressing. Oh, the D word. Depression. Each time it sucker punches me I go down harder and it takes me longer to rise back up. This time of year is especially triggering for so many reasons. It would take me forever to list them, so please forgive me if I don't. Just know that October and the following months are something I view with equal parts anticipation and dread. That sorta makes me sound like a psycho, but oh well. *shrug* I've been going along for a few weeks feeling the weight of sadness tugging at me and I've tried so, so, SO hard to resist it. Today... no, not even that broad of a time-frame... literal hours ago, the sadness morphed into self-hate and anxiety and, and... despair, so quickly I could actually feel it flow through me like a strong current. Suddenly, I couldn't stay still. I was pacing restlessly, unhappy with watching tv, reading a book, listening to music, playing with my dogs, crafting, doing a puzzle, everything. I'm urged on by some unseen force which I now recognize as a precursor to a huge crash. I'm going to crater. It's as simple as that. I know it. I can see it. And nothing in this world is going to stop it. It's simply how I handle it that counts at this point. The problem is, I've already been applying all of my comfort techniques, and I'm still here, writing this down because it's the ONLY thing I hadn't tried yet. I wish I could sit here and say I feel better, but I don't. The thought of even opening my book file and trying to write something makes me want to throw up. Really. Depression's greatest little joke is that not only does it F with your mind, it F's with your body, too. How unfair is that? Sigh, I'm bored of this post already. I'm restless and fidgety and can't keep my legs from shaking up and down as I think about what I should be doing that's productive. Or, what I want to be doing, which I think I've established by the past 30 minutes of trying to articulate myself I don't have a clue about. So, I'm gonna wrap it up. Bye.
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