WARNING: Long post . And if you make it to the end, thank you and I’m sorry and maybe you’ll feel better about your day?
1001 reasons why today has been a shit show. Mind you, it started out great! My baby turned fifteen today, and I made muffins and put a candle in it and sang Happy Birthday and laughed and joked. It was awesome. But after I got the girls to school, the universe decided to f*** with me. 1.I had some Christmas items shipped to a store and I needed to pick them up. But the store is in Burleson and they didn’t open until 10. Okay, no problem. I do some stuff around the house and at 9:30 head that way. Except I took a different route and got lost. So what should have been a 20 min drive turned into a 40 min one. But still, it was okay. B.The next stop was a store three doors down that I was super excited about going to because I absolutely hate the one near me. But when I arrived, there was a huge sign on the front doors, “Temporarily Closed”. Well, crap. 15.I had 3 more stores to stop by before I had to be home to get ready for a doctor’s appointment in Las Colinas at 2pm. Long story, don’t ask. C. Store #1 went smooth as silk. Store #2 didn’t have the item I went for – panic mode setting in. Store #3 had what I needed but I had to make up for store #2 so that took way longer than anticipated. 26. Look at watch and realize I only have 35 mins left before I’m supposed to be leaving for doctor in BFE. Full panic ON. I haven’t even showered yet. 2. Race home with “tire low pressure” warning flashing at me. I try not to think about blowing out a tire while going 80mph. 85. Get home and the dogs act like they hadn’t seen me in 15 years. Rex starts jumping and hollering at me and proceeds to get his nail caught on my pants and pulls them down. Lots of yelling ensues. D. Take the quickest shower in the west and race around drying hair and doing makeup and locating outfit appropriate for 35 degree weather. The pants I want have mysteriously disappeared and I tear closet apart looking for them. GPS said it would take approx. 35 mins to get there but I was raised to be early and I had intended to leave at 1:15. 129. Did not find pants. Sad/mad. At 1:25 I’m getting into the car while the dogs stare at me forlornly. I turn GPS on and the Sync Lady Voice says, “Travel time is 1 hr. 10 mins”. WHAT. THE. F***?!? D123. I think I can outsmart Sync Lady and ignore suggested route. I was not as smart as Sync Lady. 492. Every car on the road knows I need to be in Las Colinas at 2pm and purposely goes at least 10 miles under the speed limit. Lots of screaming. Apparently, I have road rage? E45.2 Call doctor’s office to tell them I’ll be a tiny bit late and please don’t cancel my appointment because I have to see him before Thanksgiving and this was my one shot. Hit huge pothole while talking and scream. Lady on the other end thinks I’ve been in an accident. I think about blowing out tires again and do some kind of weird maniacal laugh. Awkward. G. I arrive after making 2 wrong turns and having another mini panic attack. ONLY 10 minutes late, but a piece of my soul has died because I despise being late. 14. Receptionist looks at me like I grew three heads when I tell her I’m there for Dr. X. “But Dr. X isn’t here on Tuesdays. He comes on Wednesdays.” WHAT THE ACTUAL F***? More words come out of her mouth but the screaming in my mind muffles it. T. OH BY THE WAY, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I WAS DUE AT WORK AT 3PM. BWAHAHAHAHA! 55. Now it’s 2:15. Very calmly (I think), I call the lady back I had spoken with earlier and explain that I’m at the facility I was given but Dr. X isn’t here. She pauses and then says, “Yes, he is. He’s there right now. You’re at the Irving location, right?” Silence while I process this information. I finally tell her what address I’m at, and she goes, “OH! No, I mean, the OTHER Irving location.” WHAT THE F*** ALREADY! X. I walk back to my car and trip on my pants. They’re flowy pants and a little too long, so I’d worn heeled boots. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but flowy pants like to wrap around little heels and then trip you and I’d already done it 3 times since putting them on. But I digress… ZZ. Zoom zoom to the new address and arrive at 2:30. But I’m supposed to be at work at 3! I let work peeps know I’ll be a tiny bit late and proceed to wait in the waiting room for another 20 mins. The silent screaming in my head is getting louder. 6. Oh, by the way, I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m starting to get shaky which doesn’t help things at all. 84. Finally see Dr. X and I’m in and out in 10 mins. 998. I trip again in the parking lot. Curse words may or may not have come out of my mouth. Loudly. T. Plug in the coordinates to get back to my end of the metroplex and it routes me via 360. Except I miss my exit and had to go down Amon Carter to Trinity. I’m congratulating myself on working my own way back to 360 (in case you didn’t know, I’m severely directionally challenged) when I come to a screeching halt behind a line of cars sitting still. It’s way past 3pm and all I can do is sit and suffer. I finally get to the light and realize it’s out. I suffer some more as 12 lanes try to coordinate their turn to go. 56. Finally get on 360 and I’m super pumped. Y. It’s short-lived because, of course, it’s a parking lot. Not only did we have construction going on, but there was an accident. I had a lot of time to chew my nails, look at the clock, and basically stroke out. 888. I finally, FINALLY get past I20 and decide “f*** it, I’m taking the toll road". There’s nobody on it and I relish being able to put the pedal to the floor. 723.512 I realize since I’m already so late, what was 5 more minutes for me to stop and get a drink and maybe something to eat? ‘Cuz you know, still shaky. 25. And guys, this is where things really took a turn. The universe said, “Oh, no no no you don’t. I have one more trick up my sleeve, missy. Bwu-ha-ha-ha (is that how you spell an evil laugh?). YY. There’s no one in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A save one pickup truck in front of me. A pickup truck that takes 7 minutes to order. 7! SEVEN! As we sit there, more and more cars pile up behind me. That’s important later. 999. I take out my debit card and randomly decide it’s time to throw my makeshift trash bag (a plastic Chick-Fil-A bag) into the trash can next to the drive-thru lane. By now, it’s 4:30pm. Yeah. I know. I’ve moved past panic and into acceptance. But that changes. When it’s my turn at the window, I realize with horror that I’m no longer holding my debit card. Y’ALL, I THREW IT AWAY IN THE TRASH. 1000. I squeak out what happened to the cashier and she looks at me, dumbfounded. Then offers me a weak smile and says, “I’m sorry?” I’m coaching myself through deep breathing and pull around to the front, go inside and tell the manager what happened. He gets irritated, sighs deeply, huffs his way into the back, and returns wearing a coat and pulling on plastic gloves. We venture out to the trash can and I watch as he digs through the trash, while everyone in the drive-thru watches us. A long-ass line of cars by now. 1001. Long story…longer…found the card, tripped walking back to my car (a walk of shame, to be sure), and at long last made it to work. At 4:45pm. Tripped 2 more times getting inside and also snagged my pants on the doorstop. Lessons learned: Get ready first thing in the morning. Don’t try to outsmart Sync Lady. Don’t wear pants that are too long. Avoid 360 at all cost. AND HANG ON TO YOUR DAMN CARD! Guys, I’m tired.
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