*NOTE* I have written, re-written, and RE-WRITTEN so many versions of this post and tonight I was finally satisfied with it, but...THE DAMN THING DIDN'T SAVE. *&*@#^&!*&#$%!! So, I'm posting even though it's incomplete and disjointed sounding because I'm fed up with it and never looking at this one again.
************************************* I've lost count of the times I've sat down to write this post, only to hesitate before hitting the publish button. In the course of this loop, I lost track of what I was even trying to convey in the first place. So, for today's post, I'm going to treat it as a sort of "heart-heavy list". My family lost a close family member last month. It was sudden and awful. It's still awful. I don't deal with death well. It overwhelms me and I get lost for weeks, or even months, after in this dark place where I contemplate life, my future, my past, and everything in-between. Unfortunately, I'm a dweller. By that, I mean I have trouble shaking things off and it can be rough. When it's someone who was close or someone I cared deeply about, the grief is unbearable for longer than it "should" be. I know you're going to tell me not to worry about it and everyone has their own timeline and way of dealing with grief. But, so many times I've caught people judging me... like, outwardly judging me, because I'm not dealing with stuff "normally" and I get a bit defensive about it. So... I guess that's all I have to say about that right now. I don't know if I've talked about my next topic here before, and frankly, I'm too lazy to go back and look, so I'm going to pretend I haven't. Not that I can say too much about it right now, even if I wanted to. But I do have an exciting possibility brewing. Let's just say it would be a dream come true and the fact that I'm even here, right now, talking about it like it COULD happen is huge. So, being the 24/7 worrier, perfectionist, and professional imposter syndrome sufferer that I am, you can probably imagine what kind of turmoil my life is in as I work on this new prospect. I'm not going to lie, I'm also in serious GoT withdrawal. I'm completely unhappy with the way they ended it, and I have A TON of things to say about the writing (which maybe I'll do another post about), but none of that changes the greatness of the show and how I miss it terribly. I'm not as bad as I was when TVD ended, but it's probably the closest any other show could get to that. *Deep Sigh* I wish this post was more cohesive. I wish I could shake the strong sense of caution I carry with me, especially when the idea of something good happening to me pops up. Fact: I've never felt like I deserved good things. I'm ever-cautious to accepting, or believing, that maybe I'm actually worth something. That sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. Fact number two: It's exhausting thinking this way. Feeling like this. I don't think I'll ever know what it is to truly relax and enjoy. I wish I felt like any of this blog has helped someone. Statistically speaking, I probably have somewhere along the way. But I don't feel like I'm doing much more than wasting time that I should be using toward other projects. So, there it is. My brief and somewhat random list of things I'm grappling with at the moment. *Shrug* P.S. Continuing on the "I wish" line of thinking, I wish my two very lovely, very sweet, very obstinate dogs would stop peeing on the floor. I'm fully aware this is probably a passive-aggressive move on their part, and since I've nearly perfected passive-aggressiveness, I give them an impressed head-nod, but I swear if I step in one more puddle of pee in the middle of the night, you'll be reading my obituary rather than my blog, 'cause I'll probably implode from sheer fed-upness.
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