There is an aching inside I can't soothe. I'm on an emotional roller coaster that refuses to stop, dipping and rising, speeding around corners, and generally keeping my state of mind in a turmoil of self-hate, anxiety, and sadness. It's a ride I didn't sign up for. But, nonetheless, I'm on it, always wishing for a brief stop so I can catch my breath and find peace, even if it's only for a day.
The evilness of depression continues to astound me. Just when you think you might have it figured out, created a plan to manage it, it takes a sharp turn and you're faced with something new. Something you never saw coming. How can that be? I've lived with this my entire life. How can it still find ways to surprise me, catch me in a weak spot, and bring me crashing down? I have no answers. Just more questions. Questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. Questions that are stuck on a loop in my mind. I must ask myself "Are you okay?" at least 50 times a day. What saddens me is that my answer is always "No." Life is weird. Or maybe it's just my life. When I take a step back and look at what I've accomplished in a little over a year, I can acknowledge that it's big. I've written four books. One launched in January, one in March, and I have two more coming this summer. That's a big deal, right? Most people would say yes. So why don't I feel a sense of accomplishment? Why does my brain refuse to allow me to take pride in what I've done? Perhaps it's because I've never really celebrated my first book properly. I've never actually celebrated any of them. I quietly hit publish and continue on as if nothing major has happened. But it is major because each book is a little piece of me. And when I look at it that way, I realize something. I don't celebrate myself. I can't seem to find value in anything I do...anything I am. I have a laundry list of items I don't like about myself. It's a list that is too long to even contemplate. But, the list of things I do like? It's scanty, at best. Sometimes this makes me so sad that I laugh....until it turns into a full-fledged ugly cry that leaves me exhausted and no closer to the self-acceptance I crave. Self-acceptance. Self-love. "You do you and don't listen to the haters." These are the things that are suddenly the hot topic of social media. When did this trend begin? Where was I? And why can't I jump aboard? It all sounds great in theory. But it's hard to grasp when you're soul has been so hammered with a fight you're continuously losing. I have no real understanding or "how-to" for applying these "feel good" strategies to myself. I need a step-by-step guide. With illustrations. Does anyone have that? I could really use it. I present a face to the world most days. It's a happy face. A smiling face. A silly face. Rarely do I allow myself to show what I'm really feeling. But, if you could take a peek inside my mind, you'd see the painting The Scream by Edvard Munch. That is the best representation I can think of. Because I'm screaming all the time inside. Only, I'm the only one who can hear it. It's deafening. Cringe-worthy. Horrific. But, it's me.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
July 2019
|